The only other person I ever loved – I never fought with. We compromised, we gave in and we weren’t ourselves.

So we didn’t fight for each other too.

There was no friction between us, and we slid apart with nothing to grab on to as I fell.

So thank you, for showing me what it means to have someone try, fight, stay. Have come to a conclusion that no matter how this turns out, I would’ve grown so so much from this and for that, I’m beyond thankful.

‘But one day,

Your Volkswagen beetle will be waiting for you at the car park at your future house/cottage’

I promise’

Ow my heart, why

When You Know Love Is Finally Here To Last

Thought Catalog

sivillasivilla

I don’t know much about gardening. My grandmother had hopes I’d Martha Stewart myself into a domestic dream, but I didn’t. I can barely cook and DIY crafts truly freak me out. I’m not exactly Susie Homemaker, ah, but I digress, gardening: I’ve at least got the basics.

Planting is simple: it starts with a seed. A small something that, when properly tended, can grow and blossom into something much larger. Something much more beautiful. Maybe it’s a lilac bush outside of a quaint cottage. Or bursting red tomatoes growing along a vine. A massive outstretched tree, reaching with arms to touch each corner of the universe. They all start the same way. A seed.

And I think it’s the same thing with love. Platonic, romantic, inner. Love begins in a small dose. It’s not this dramatic overture, violins and trumpets announcing the arrival of love. It doesn’t sprout…

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Things I miss that I would never admit to anyone but myself

1. The moment I told you I liked soggy fries and you started picking out all the soggy ones for me since then.

2. How you’d always seem to know when something was amiss with me, even from the way I was looking at things

3. Talking to you was always my favorite time of day, no matter how late it was

4. Long, aimless walks and long bus rides. They were the best, weren’t they?

5. Catching the sight of you from far away in school and hearing my heart skip a beat, no matter how many times I saw you that day.

Private Parts by Sarah Kay

‘the years have spread us like dandelion seeds – sanding down the edges of our jigsaw parts that used to only fit each other.’

Spoken poetry is beautiful isn’t it?

Today I learnt that you can use someone as a crutch far longer than you should have, and do it unconsciously.

I’m tired.

Flighty yet grounded

Thank you for pulling me back every time I get scared and try to leave, for reassuring my doubts whenever my faith wavers. Opening up is really never easy for me but I’m getting better at it, somehow. Last night, for the first time, I felt like we had something worth fighting for. :)

You musn’t be afraid to dream a little bigger, darling

So I look around me and I see people actually going somewhere with their lives – being writers, setting up a shop on their own, learning so many applicable skills on their own and I stop myself to wonder – when will I actually be anything close to that?

I’ve always led a life of mediocrity. I’m not particularly bad at anything (ok maybe dancing, lol) but I’m not particularly good at anything either. And if there’s anything I’ve been familiar with lately, it’s the pain of being average. Average. Nondescript. Mediocre. Just getting by. Oh how I hate the sounds of these words.

Since joining Reso I’ve really come to see what a long way I have to go to sound good, by my standards anyway. I guess I’m really my own harshest critic, and it’s not like I want to be negative or anything, but you see this brings me back to my earlier point. If you’re just going to be average, okay, passable – what’s the point? You’re okay, I guess, but not good enough. Part of the reason why I’m mostly so hard on myself recently is because I simply don’t have the time to just get by anymore. I work harder when I study, I even make less time for people as compared to the past because I felt like I needed to work hard at something for once and prioritize. It’s been 2 years since I entered university and what have I achieved exactly? Nothing. Nothing I can truly be proud of. And the problem with being in a society where basically your whole life is about achievements isn’t helping either.

Name your personal achievements.
Where have you interned before?
So what are you planning to do this summer? Getting a job?

And I’m not saying that I want to be a bum all day, it does nothing for my self esteem. I’m just in a state of confusion as to which direction I should actually head towards. Not chasing deadline after deadline, not chasing weekend after weekend. But to live. To live passionately and to fight for something as hard as I can, even if it means sweat and tears and blood.

But sometimes I lack the drive to actually go about improving whatever it is I’m bad at. I’ve always had the secret passion/ desire to write. To be a writer. But I’m not doing anything about it except write in this silly online space of mine. A space that few people read anyway. Why? Because I’m a coward, afraid to be too vulnerable to people who barely know me.

I want to make films, I want to write. I want to inspire people in a way that so many have inspired me. I want to touch people’s hearts and make them cry their heart out through film and words and even music because I think that’s so so powerful.

I want to paint, I want to make art. I want to challenge myself and stretch myself in ways I never imagined myself to.

I want to help people with mental illnesses and let them know that they’re not going through anything alone. I want to understand the human mind, my own included.

I want to travel, I want to document my experiences, I want to live.

The problem with all these wants is – what’s next?

Self-pity is fucking pathetic and yet I do it all the time.

The Life and Death of Most of Us

Most of us will settle for fine.

Most of us will stream mp3s instead of asking a friend to play the guitar.

Most of us will run on a treadmill at the gym instead of going to the park.

Most of us will watch 10 second videos on a computer instead of going to a play.

Most of us will eat something we can throw in the microwave instead of learning to cook.

Most of us will aspire to being known, to being famous for just a little while.

Most of us will be willing to be embarrassed, to hurt ourselves, if it means being known.

Most of us will be more concerned with that, with being known, than being remembered by anyone special.

Most of us will decide that it’s too soon or too late in life to go after what we really want.

Most of us will never actually sit down and think about what we really want.

Most of us will spend more time reading status updates than we spend reading books.

Most of us will take more pictures of ourselves than actually looking at the world around us.

Most of us will take the one unique and precious life we’ve been given and spend it being, just ok.

Most of us will make do.

And you will meet most of us and when you do, remember this.

Be the few.

Be the few.

– Iain Thomas

Calm

Sitting at the NLB in Bugis and felt like I should just talk about this inner peace I’ve having hahaha I love time I get to myself so much I can’t even begin to describe it :’) Also, noted that the inadequacy I’ve been feeling recently has been coupled with a slow and steady drive to improve myself. Compared to the usual self-pity I have, this feels comfortingly different. Just submitted an application to MSF that I’ve been mulling over for about a week now? Hopefully I’ll get it, because I really can’t wait to learn more, out of school, out of my knowledge capacity.

Need to learn 5 new songs by tomorrow and I’m honestly screwed but just gonna fake it till I make it hahahah ok that obviously doesn’t work for acapella though -_- I am so screwed hahahahahaha hopefully the 2 hours after I get home tonight will cut it. This CNY + recess week has been so chill and I can’t say I hate it because I’m actually enjoying studying for Psych hehehe

Just a reminder to myself that ED SHEERAN IN 2 WEEKS?!?!? I can’t contain my ovaries. (lol why do people even say this ah??) hahahaha pretty much going to faint after I hear him live. Now if only I could hear Sam Smith…

+ Have been wanting to head back to church but I really don’t know what’s stopping me. Had a talk about it with J after Thai class one day and he just earnestly told to stop making excuses for myself. Thankful for friends who speak truth into my life, because that’s really all I need when I use self-deceit to make myself feel better sometimes. ‘No time’ has been the lousiest and most shameful excuse that I’ve been using all this while.. sigh

(Finally!! A post I would call decent, what with all the vague/ sad 3 liners I’ve been posting these past few months)