All this to say

All this to say,
our future is a blank page
that we chose to pour ourselves into
when God pressed play.

and we’ll drag our pens
into these parallel lines
to record and to articulate
everything we find.

as decades unlace,
we’ll pause and carefully trace;
our shadows are puddles of ink
that our memory saves.

layer by layer, the framework was formed
on an epic of paper:
we breathe to explore.
fast-forward motion
will gracefully show
the flickering story
that all of our sketches unfold.

before we were born
God gently told us the truth,
but understanding is something that stops
as our bodies bruise.

so we’ll concentrate,
constantly rewinding tapes.
was the ghost just a glare on the lens
that our minds create?
our minds create…
when God pressed play.

layer by layer, the framework was formed
on an epic of paper:
we breathe to explore.
fast-forward motion
will gracefully show
the flickering story
that all of our sketches unfold.

before we were born
God gently told us the truth,
but understanding is something that stops
as our bodies bruise.

so we’ll concentrate,
constantly rewinding tapes.
was the ghost just a glare on the lens
that our minds create?
our minds create…
when God pressed play.

layer by layer, the framework was formed
on an epic of paper:
we breathe to explore.
and fast-forward motion
will gracefully show
the flickering story
that all of our sketches unfold.

Sleeping At Last has the most beautiful lyrics to their songs. <3

If I ever find someone who loves Sleeping At Last as much as I do, I might propose to him so we can play these songs at our wedding HAHAHAHH

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Dear Nat,

How you are treated by the people around you is not a measure of who you are, or how you deserve to be treated. Let the tears well up and let them fall but dry them as soon as you can because you have to be the light for others who need help. Don’t waste effort, emotions and time on people who are long gone. Let them be and let God have His way. The things of this life are not eternal, so why are you fussing over things that are merely temporary?

Now I know, now I understand why sin and disobedience has consequences. I chose to invest my time and love in the wrong person, and look where it got me.

 

What am I feeling?

I don’t know what I want sometimes.

My mind is a mess right now, I’m missing a few people & I try to seek comfort from the most meaningless ways and methods.

Times like this I’m glad I have reso almost every day to keep my mind off things. I know it isn’t the right way to deal with my feelings but they do make me laugh and on days like this, that’s all I really need.

Procrastinate for forever on my essay and now I’m left to deal with the consequences, eeeeps

Have been thinking lots and lots about how to reconcile loving God, and loving someone who doesn’t love God.

And all in all, trusting in the plans He has for me.

So it’s been a while and I felt like I’ve left so many thoughts unspoken in these past few months (or even a year?)

Before I come here, there’d be a million things on my mind but somehow staring at a blank space clears my mind too.

I miss the sense of adventure, the feeling of excitement about something, the sense of wonder or magic. I don’t know where or when I lost it, but it’s been gone for quite some time now. :'(

‘I wasn’t your first and we both know this. She had your heart before you knew my name. He had mine before I ever looked twice at you. Most of your stories have her in them and it makes me wince but they’re coming less often and this is something to smile about. When you remember that you met him back when he was the one holding my hand, you try to remember what he looked like but you can’t because it didn’t matter then. 
 
They were first and we both know this. They were the first ones to make us say this is what everyone has been talking about. They were here and they were everything and now they’re not and we are something. I want to thank her for leaving you so softly. You want to punch him for leaving me in pieces. 
 
You weren’t my first and we both know this but that’s okay because maybe I learned all the hard lessons with him. Maybe you learned how to love with her. 
 
I guess what I’m trying to say is there are so many different kinds of love in this world. He was my shot of tequila on an empty stomach and she was your monsoon after the sky forgot how to cry for the entire summer but you’re my bed waiting for me after a long day and I’m your glass of red wine that warms you from the inside. 
 
So what if they were first? This doesn’t make me sad anymore. We both promise to do better this time and I finally believe us.”
Words feed my soul, they really do.

“most, i think, are more loved than they realize. but they also mistake being loved for being understood. and sometimes the loneliness one feels is not from being unloved but from not being understood. or worse, being misunderstood.

love is beautiful and spectacular. but being understood is even more so, because it is rarer than love. being understood is being free to be you always – love doesn’t always offer us that. and if we can find in somebody, the potential to love and understand us, we have found an exceptional being. if we can be that somebody to anyone, we are exceptional to them.”

Sometimes I think I’m overly dramatic. Probably need to write more to get things out of my system because once I let them brood.. They become like my previous post hahaha. Read what I typed and scoffed at myself. I wish I was less emotional and more logical, in all ways possible.

It is harder than ever to be away from you because there is nothing distracting me from the horrors of life, no safe haven I can run to. I’m an escapist by nature and you were the perfect shelter. Now that you’re gone, it seems like everything is heavier and harder to swallow.

But I know that my insecurities will somehow make me screw this up. That I will just lash out at you one day, unreasonably and without warning, and I’ll burn this all to pieces. You’ll probably question the person I’ve become.

But deep down in me, I know I have to either end it, or find a compromise. I’m bad at that. Had a good talk with Joe with Weilin after church that day, learnt a little bit more about myself and learnt even more about how there is much, much more to learn. I see God’s hand so clearly in this whole situation. Just last year Weilin was at a sleepover at my house and we were talking about how I really wanted to return to church and how she wanted to learn more. And here we are, talking about the power of prayer and how she felt that it calms her. And discussing about the bible with Joe. Whut… God is amazing, really.

Coming back to B, it hasn’t even been two weeks and I feel the distance more than ever already. Not because we haven’t been talking or keeping each other updated, but because I know deep down inside me that our lives are heading in different directions, and pulling each other back will only bring pain. When you were here, it was easy to escape from this fact because everything felt good and right when we were together. When we meet again, we’ll both be different people. So how does that work out?

Work

Sitting opposite a fellow intern and hearing her yak on and on about how awesome her project is and how nice her infographics are and trying hard to put up a face that shows that I care.

I’m probably going to die in the real world because it usually shows on my face when I try to act like I care when.. I really don’t. I think – I used to have more empathy in me.

Been having fears that this is going to be my work life…..

and fears that I’m gonna feel like this for the rest of my life after graduation.

Was talking to B about how I’m beginning to feel miserable at work and worrying about if I would really get to do what I love. He told me that most people don’t get to do what they like and I replied with ‘No wonder people in Singapore are so miserable’. It’s true. I see glazed eyes and jaded faces on the mrt everyday. Barely even 2 months into my internship and I’m already feeling like one of them sigh. He told me that’s why we have to find other things in life to make us happy, but isn’t your job a HUGE part of your life? And even then, even if you’re doing sth you like, you’ll want to do it to your best but really, no one’s best is enough.

Dad asked me the other day if I would rather take a high paying job that I don’t like, or a low paying one that I really like. My answer was obvious.. I guess he thinks I’m gonna be poor and broke all my life. hahha.

“Before you even notice, you will have settled. You will enjoy your Monday morning coffee and think it’s just what you needed to start your day. You will visit the library every Tuesday, hoping to find some new escape in a new book, just to get away from your life. You will eat lunch with your best friend every Wednesday, order the usual at your favorite restaurant, you’re satisfied. On Thursday you go for a walk around your neighborhood to clear your mind, and look forward to tomorrow. On Friday evening you think you’ve made it, so you reward yourself with delivery pizza and an alright movie you’ve seen more than six times. Saturday, there’s still a day separating you from Monday, so you’re fine. Sunday, you dread, dread, until you go to bed. Then it’s the same old routine, slowly getting through life, thinking you enjoy it, when you could easily learn to enjoy something else. How do you know what you need to get through the day is just coffee? Maybe it’s just telling yourself, hey, I can do it, there’s more to look forward to. Instead of living your life through books why don’t you go on an adventure and take a risk like your favorite fictional character? How do you know that meal is really your favorite thing at a restaurant when you’ve never let yourself taste something else? Is looking forward to the end of the week your motivation to actually get through life? If it is, why, when you’re just living the same old shit week to week, nothing will change. You won’t change. You think you’re happy, but couldn’t you be happier?”

 

 

— Isabel Cabrera, don’t settle