It is harder than ever to be away from you because there is nothing distracting me from the horrors of life, no safe haven I can run to. I’m an escapist by nature and you were the perfect shelter. Now that you’re gone, it seems like everything is heavier and harder to swallow.
But I know that my insecurities will somehow make me screw this up. That I will just lash out at you one day, unreasonably and without warning, and I’ll burn this all to pieces. You’ll probably question the person I’ve become.
But deep down in me, I know I have to either end it, or find a compromise. I’m bad at that. Had a good talk with Joe with Weilin after church that day, learnt a little bit more about myself and learnt even more about how there is much, much more to learn. I see God’s hand so clearly in this whole situation. Just last year Weilin was at a sleepover at my house and we were talking about how I really wanted to return to church and how she wanted to learn more. And here we are, talking about the power of prayer and how she felt that it calms her. And discussing about the bible with Joe. Whut… God is amazing, really.
Coming back to B, it hasn’t even been two weeks and I feel the distance more than ever already. Not because we haven’t been talking or keeping each other updated, but because I know deep down inside me that our lives are heading in different directions, and pulling each other back will only bring pain. When you were here, it was easy to escape from this fact because everything felt good and right when we were together. When we meet again, we’ll both be different people. So how does that work out?