Sometimes I think I’m overly dramatic. Probably need to write more to get things out of my system because once I let them brood.. They become like my previous post hahaha. Read what I typed and scoffed at myself. I wish I was less emotional and more logical, in all ways possible.
It is harder than ever to be away from you because there is nothing distracting me from the horrors of life, no safe haven I can run to. I’m an escapist by nature and you were the perfect shelter. Now that you’re gone, it seems like everything is heavier and harder to swallow.
But I know that my insecurities will somehow make me screw this up. That I will just lash out at you one day, unreasonably and without warning, and I’ll burn this all to pieces. You’ll probably question the person I’ve become.
But deep down in me, I know I have to either end it, or find a compromise. I’m bad at that. Had a good talk with Joe with Weilin after church that day, learnt a little bit more about myself and learnt even more about how there is much, much more to learn. I see God’s hand so clearly in this whole situation. Just last year Weilin was at a sleepover at my house and we were talking about how I really wanted to return to church and how she wanted to learn more. And here we are, talking about the power of prayer and how she felt that it calms her. And discussing about the bible with Joe. Whut… God is amazing, really.
Coming back to B, it hasn’t even been two weeks and I feel the distance more than ever already. Not because we haven’t been talking or keeping each other updated, but because I know deep down inside me that our lives are heading in different directions, and pulling each other back will only bring pain. When you were here, it was easy to escape from this fact because everything felt good and right when we were together. When we meet again, we’ll both be different people. So how does that work out?
Sitting opposite a fellow intern and hearing her yak on and on about how awesome her project is and how nice her infographics are and trying hard to put up a face that shows that I care.
I’m probably going to die in the real world because it usually shows on my face when I try to act like I care when.. I really don’t. I think – I used to have more empathy in me.
Been having fears that this is going to be my work life…..
and fears that I’m gonna feel like this for the rest of my life after graduation.
Was talking to B about how I’m beginning to feel miserable at work and worrying about if I would really get to do what I love. He told me that most people don’t get to do what they like and I replied with ‘No wonder people in Singapore are so miserable’. It’s true. I see glazed eyes and jaded faces on the mrt everyday. Barely even 2 months into my internship and I’m already feeling like one of them sigh. He told me that’s why we have to find other things in life to make us happy, but isn’t your job a HUGE part of your life? And even then, even if you’re doing sth you like, you’ll want to do it to your best but really, no one’s best is enough.
Dad asked me the other day if I would rather take a high paying job that I don’t like, or a low paying one that I really like. My answer was obvious.. I guess he thinks I’m gonna be poor and broke all my life. hahha.