So I look around me and I see people actually going somewhere with their lives – being writers, setting up a shop on their own, learning so many applicable skills on their own and I stop myself to wonder – when will I actually be anything close to that?
I’ve always led a life of mediocrity. I’m not particularly bad at anything (ok maybe dancing, lol) but I’m not particularly good at anything either. And if there’s anything I’ve been familiar with lately, it’s the pain of being average. Average. Nondescript. Mediocre. Just getting by. Oh how I hate the sounds of these words.
Since joining Reso I’ve really come to see what a long way I have to go to sound good, by my standards anyway. I guess I’m really my own harshest critic, and it’s not like I want to be negative or anything, but you see this brings me back to my earlier point. If you’re just going to be average, okay, passable – what’s the point? You’re okay, I guess, but not good enough. Part of the reason why I’m mostly so hard on myself recently is because I simply don’t have the time to just get by anymore. I work harder when I study, I even make less time for people as compared to the past because I felt like I needed to work hard at something for once and prioritize. It’s been 2 years since I entered university and what have I achieved exactly? Nothing. Nothing I can truly be proud of. And the problem with being in a society where basically your whole life is about achievements isn’t helping either.
Name your personal achievements.
Where have you interned before?
So what are you planning to do this summer? Getting a job?
And I’m not saying that I want to be a bum all day, it does nothing for my self esteem. I’m just in a state of confusion as to which direction I should actually head towards. Not chasing deadline after deadline, not chasing weekend after weekend. But to live. To live passionately and to fight for something as hard as I can, even if it means sweat and tears and blood.
But sometimes I lack the drive to actually go about improving whatever it is I’m bad at. I’ve always had the secret passion/ desire to write. To be a writer. But I’m not doing anything about it except write in this silly online space of mine. A space that few people read anyway. Why? Because I’m a coward, afraid to be too vulnerable to people who barely know me.
I want to make films, I want to write. I want to inspire people in a way that so many have inspired me. I want to touch people’s hearts and make them cry their heart out through film and words and even music because I think that’s so so powerful.
I want to paint, I want to make art. I want to challenge myself and stretch myself in ways I never imagined myself to.
I want to help people with mental illnesses and let them know that they’re not going through anything alone. I want to understand the human mind, my own included.
I want to travel, I want to document my experiences, I want to live.
The problem with all these wants is – what’s next?