Typing and pressing backspace on this space for a few days now.

Read a whole lot of my posts from the past. Honestly, I think to some extent, you were my inspiration to write because you gave me heartache, which is always the best ingredient to produce a piece of writing isn’t it? And I really did lose a part of me when I no longer felt like I needed to write about it anymore. I’ve always said that we only feel compelled to write when we’re sad, not when we’re happy. Happiness is not easily contained in words, and sometimes there simply isn’t a need to. But sadness – is something altogether. The more you write, the more you feel a sense of release from your pent up feelings, and the more you want to find someone who can relate to your writing and tell you ‘hey, you’re not alone’

Reading my old posts really made me remember how I used writing as a form of outlet for all kinds of thoughts and frustrations I had. And looking back I really know how much has changed. I miss the old me who still had faith in so many things.

Yet when I asked myself the question of whether I will go back to the past to change the course of things, I wouldn’t. I see many things differently now, and I once read a quote saying ‘We mature with the damage, not with the years’ – how true is that? I guess the more broken someone is, the more mature she is as well. I don’t count myself as mature (god no I am still afraid of driving on my own) but I can say that I am not as naive and trusting and believing any more? I expect less, I do less. Which I’ve come to realize is pretty bad actually. Used to think that people never drift apart but then I lost faith and I stopped trying to even keep them.

Musings will just be musings, after all, and I need to apply for my internships by tonight.. Most of them scare me, tbh, but here’s to stepping out of my comfort zone and hopefully growing in the process? Somehow with more freedom also gives you more opportunities to be an escapist, something I’m not sure I like about myself.

God please guide me in applying for internships, I really wanna choose the right ones.


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