Calm

Sitting at the NLB in Bugis and felt like I should just talk about this inner peace I’ve having hahaha I love time I get to myself so much I can’t even begin to describe it :’) Also, noted that the inadequacy I’ve been feeling recently has been coupled with a slow and steady drive to improve myself. Compared to the usual self-pity I have, this feels comfortingly different. Just submitted an application to MSF that I’ve been mulling over for about a week now? Hopefully I’ll get it, because I really can’t wait to learn more, out of school, out of my knowledge capacity.

Need to learn 5 new songs by tomorrow and I’m honestly screwed but just gonna fake it till I make it hahahah ok that obviously doesn’t work for acapella though -_- I am so screwed hahahahahaha hopefully the 2 hours after I get home tonight will cut it. This CNY + recess week has been so chill and I can’t say I hate it because I’m actually enjoying studying for Psych hehehe

Just a reminder to myself that ED SHEERAN IN 2 WEEKS?!?!? I can’t contain my ovaries. (lol why do people even say this ah??) hahahaha pretty much going to faint after I hear him live. Now if only I could hear Sam Smith…

+ Have been wanting to head back to church but I really don’t know what’s stopping me. Had a talk about it with J after Thai class one day and he just earnestly told to stop making excuses for myself. Thankful for friends who speak truth into my life, because that’s really all I need when I use self-deceit to make myself feel better sometimes. ‘No time’ has been the lousiest and most shameful excuse that I’ve been using all this while.. sigh

(Finally!! A post I would call decent, what with all the vague/ sad 3 liners I’ve been posting these past few months)

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Typing and pressing backspace on this space for a few days now.

Read a whole lot of my posts from the past. Honestly, I think to some extent, you were my inspiration to write because you gave me heartache, which is always the best ingredient to produce a piece of writing isn’t it? And I really did lose a part of me when I no longer felt like I needed to write about it anymore. I’ve always said that we only feel compelled to write when we’re sad, not when we’re happy. Happiness is not easily contained in words, and sometimes there simply isn’t a need to. But sadness – is something altogether. The more you write, the more you feel a sense of release from your pent up feelings, and the more you want to find someone who can relate to your writing and tell you ‘hey, you’re not alone’

Reading my old posts really made me remember how I used writing as a form of outlet for all kinds of thoughts and frustrations I had. And looking back I really know how much has changed. I miss the old me who still had faith in so many things.

Yet when I asked myself the question of whether I will go back to the past to change the course of things, I wouldn’t. I see many things differently now, and I once read a quote saying ‘We mature with the damage, not with the years’ – how true is that? I guess the more broken someone is, the more mature she is as well. I don’t count myself as mature (god no I am still afraid of driving on my own) but I can say that I am not as naive and trusting and believing any more? I expect less, I do less. Which I’ve come to realize is pretty bad actually. Used to think that people never drift apart but then I lost faith and I stopped trying to even keep them.

Musings will just be musings, after all, and I need to apply for my internships by tonight.. Most of them scare me, tbh, but here’s to stepping out of my comfort zone and hopefully growing in the process? Somehow with more freedom also gives you more opportunities to be an escapist, something I’m not sure I like about myself.

God please guide me in applying for internships, I really wanna choose the right ones.

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Thank you for the wonderful day, Friend 😊❤️

It’s possible that I will get insecure from time to time, that I will think that this is no longer something worth holding on to. But I’ve learnt a great deal from you and from us, and I wouldn’t trade it for the world. It sure is gonna be a hell of a ride and I’m definitely never gonna be ready, but sometimes we just gotta take things as they come.

Is there an end point at all?

What exactly am I yearning for?

Why is my life constantly filled with waiting for something to happen?

Waiting for the weekend, waiting for summer, waiting for school to be over, waiting for exchange. Waiting, waiting, waiting.

No.

……Am I bipolar.

and OMG I can’t deal with this my first reaction is to run as fast as I can.

Going to make it an effort to start writing regularly from now on. Not concealed, but raw and unedited, just how I like it. Writing was what gave me life when I left lifeless; a comfort for my aching heart, and an outlet for my distressed mind.

Have been avoiding thinking about the important things in life for so long. It’s easy really, to escape from things what with all the distractions so readily available. Even when I’m alone, I sometimes choose to block out thoughts and avoid making decisions by scrolling through my phone, replying whatsapp chats and whatnot. But the only way I seem to be able to obtain clarity is when I write. I have to get it out of my system.