Always at the back of my mind

But slowly,
F a d i n g

Away.

“Do not think that love, in order to be genuine, has to be extraordinary. Real love is simple, everyday kind of thing. A smile, a hug, an encouragement. Continuous love without effort.”

Learning to love the people around me the right way. Somehow feeling that I’ve lost something this past year, time to get it back. Get myself back. 

Life is so complicated I just want to curl up in bed and watch my shows with a bunch of tidbits. 

 

Hahaha at my dream… Waking up and feeling horrible again.

You used to be worth more than my pride, but not anymore.

“And then she told herself, “Stop being so weak. Grow up and get over it.” and she never felt anything again.”

At first, I was relieved.

But on second thought, you really have no right to say that.

Woke up today feeling a little jaded about people and life in general.

Takes so much more effort meeting up with friends now that we’re all leading separate lives. When your effort isn’t matched by the one you care about, it’s so easy to tire yourself.

I’m glad I still have people who reciprocate these efforts, and going to cherish them as much as I can. For people who don’t – and for people whom I feel are becoming more and more like strangers to me – is it time to let go of this friendship and just let it be? It’s so hard to imagine how we were so close – the three of us – and now I can’t even find it in myself to try to meet you anymore. Maybe it’s just me

Wow I sound so cynical and disappointed with people lolol.

You can’t keep dragging that dead weight around

Gave myself some time to laze around the house today after 11 days of traveling with the family. 

Unpacked, sorted out souvenirs, lay in bed for the longest time ever scrolling tumblr and watching youtube videos. Can’t rmb the last time I had a day as slow as this, and I have to say it’s rather rejuvenating. 

Watched my thoughts pass me by, both the unfamiliar and the familiar. The familiar ones gnawed at my heart as usual, but I’ve learnt to take it as it comes because ‘This too shall pass.’ And I’ve discovered that everything has a balance in life – for with 11 days of happiness, there must be, has to be at least one day of reminiscing and longing for the good time you had. The trip to Hokkaido and Tokyo this past one and a half weeks was definitely one of the best I had with my family – even better than Europe I must say. It was a good balance of shopping, sightseeing, fantastic food, theme parks, magic, fun, arguments, and loving accommodation. As much as I love my family, they are – we are – imperfect like everyone else and there were bad days even within the trip, when smoking was brought up especially, but we learnt to get through that. At the end of the day, they’re the closest thing to my heart and I never want to live a day without them as far as I can think about the future. 

Finding myself, searching within myself every day. Mostly, I find that I do not like what I discover about myself but I learn to deal with my imperfections anyway. I woke up from a dream just now, that I’m almost ashamed to talk about because that would mean regressing. Going back to the past when I swore I had moved on. As I grow up I realize nothing is in black and white anymore. Neither are they in solid colors. Everything is in shades and everything is fluid. I’m scared to finish One Day, or even to read it because it reminds me so much of what I need so badly to forget. But there is a nagging feeling in me that’s telling me to finish it because it might provide some form of closure. What the hell, why do I still need closure? 

Things I need to do: come out of my shell, get a job, paint and cook. Sleepover with the fav neighbors later, it’s been a while now. 

‘The heart is not so easily changed, but the head can be persuaded.’