Today I realized that
I am clinging on to the memories of us for my dear life. What for? Made a trip to downtown east for a friend to return me my textbook that I lent him. That was where we had our first real date – where you told me that you used to bring her to Changi Beach, the first time I got mad at you, the first time you laughed and said don’t be. It all seems so long ago, in a time unreachable and far too unattainable. All the details of it just came rushing back and I tried so hard to control the rush of feelings that threatened to overwhelm me. You are still in my life – and I believe that you will still be an important friend to be in the days to come, no matter who we fall in love with in the future or no matter how our paths may split. But the fact that our paths were once intertwined in that manner – can never be erased from my memory.
I used to revisit places we would go and think: this is what you need to do. Feel the memory and the feelings that came with it, and let it go. This is how you get closure – not by escaping and pretending it didn’t happen – but to face every bit of it with courage and to let go of it bit by bit.
After all, I am still glad that you still care about our friendship – by a simple gesture like preparing a birthday present for me even when we weren’t talking, or by initiating a meet up with the rest. If only I could tell you: I’m so glad you’re back. I really thought I lost you for the past few months we weren’t talking but, I guess I should’ve had more faith in our friendship. What’s happened is all in the past now, and what matters is that we’re here to witness the big and small moments in each other’s lives, and honestly that’s all that really matters to me.
Now, I have to solve my own issue of being independent and capable. It was a flaw in me all along, and I only realized it now because I had people covering up for me all this while. Life has been pretty smooth-sailing for me, I must say. But God never promised an easy path, he only promised to give me feet strong enough to weather the tumultuous tracks up the mountain. Time to struggle, but to struggle powerfully.