Talk – Kodaline

I can remember the good old days,
When you and me used to hide away
Where the stars were shining or the sun was blinding our eyes

Yeah you filled up my glass,
With promises that could never last
And I still find pieces of you in the back of my mind

And all of the things that we once said,
They’re not in my heart, they’re in my head
That was the time to say goodbye
Let’s put it to rest yeah, let it die

‘Cause we don’t, we don’t need to talk about this now
Yeah we’ve been down that road before
That was then and this is now

The crowds in my heart they’ve been calling out your name
Now it just don’t feel the same
I guess it’s over, yeah we’re done

I heard you made your way downtown
To the place that I’ve been hanging around
I was looking for your face in the crowd
But trying to keep my head down

Over time our wires crossed
Well you changed and truth got lost
All the things I would change if we could only rewind

You were a moment in life that comes and goes
A riddle, a rhyme that no one knows
A change of a heart, a twist of fate
Couldn’t fix it, it’s too late

‘Cause we don’t, we don’t need to talk about this now
Yeah we’ve been down that road before
That was then and this is now

The crowds in my heart they’ve been calling out your name
Now it just don’t feel the same
I guess it’s over, yeah we’re done

Woooh
Ooooooooh ooooooooh ooooh

We don’t, we don’t need to talk about this now
We don’t, we don’t need to talk about this now
We don’t, we don’t need to talk about this now
We don’t, we don’t need to talk about this now

 

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All too familiar feeling of inadequacy once again.. When will I learn

‘It’ll get better in time’ is probably the worst advice you can give to someone, but also the truest one yet. Kinda makes me think that maybe what you say to a person who needs comfort shouldn’t be the truth – it should be something that just makes them feel better at that point in time. Everyone has different truths, and it’s most meaningful when we find out ourselves, right? When I told people of the breakup, all everyone could say to me eventually was ‘you need time’ and ‘everything will be fine in time’ which is of course, 100% accurate now that I’m where I am now, but the last thing I wanted to hear when it just happened. Not blaming my loving and wonderful friends of course, I think I’m guilty of this myself. 

Spending this past week with only a few people (and spent mostly studying anyway) unlike the usual massive amount of people I have to interact with, and it’s really teaching me a lot about my priorities and what I want for myself. Sometimes all you need is to take a step back and evaluate everything in your life. Taught me quite a bit about myself too. 

Realized that it took me long enough to finally see that we’re much too separated by distance and time for anything to be the same again. Literally leading lives that are so different now. Not that I’m jaded or anything but I think all it takes to feel better is just some acceptance. I finally see the truth of it all, little by little. What happened was probably never meant to last, just a little detour both of us took. Doesn’t mean we can’t move on with the wide and open path that’s waiting for us. Maybe both of us are going in completely different directions, but it doesn’t change the fact that we once grew up together, and I’m grateful for that. I’m actually okay with growing apart now. I just hope that both of us are happy and fulfilled at the end of the day, you’re my friend till the end :)

Have been sporadically thinking about it these few days and it helps so much (better than ignoring it totally and finding out that I still haven’t gotten over it, even after so long) Happy to say that I’m slowly rediscovering myself too, and feeing free to be anything I want to be. I’m the only person in my way now. 

First time I actually feel like a 20 year old – and this is just the beginning of what they call the most trying decade of a person’s life. 

Studying psych and it’s giving me so many new insights on life hahaha. This concept is under the topic of social psych: 

Mere exposure – regular exposure to neutral/ positive stimuli generally leads to increased liking.

Hmmmm, so that must mean ‘out of sight, out of mind’ too?? If you spend less time with someone, does it mean that you’ll be less attracted to them? And I guess when they say feelings can be developed over time it wasn’t without basis, huh.  

Psych is soooo interesting I could study this all day but I actually have other modules, boo. 

Also realized today that I have a ‘fear of missing out’ thing going on lol. After being in hall for a year and constantly being involved in so many activities, I’m kind of used to being kept busy and always being surrounded by people. I guess this is where I have to step out of my comfort zone and leave the safe nest I’ve built for myself there. They had the SHaca final treat today, and I gave it a miss because I wanted to spend more time studying at home.. The usual me would probably have asked my dad to send me to hall but I guess I know better now.. My grades are really important especially when it’s less than a week to finals. Gave Elaine’s 21st a miss last week too because I didn’t want to waste time. Sometimes I think decisions like this kind of show that I’ve ‘grown up’ and know that I need to prioritize. But I still didn’t feel good about missing the SHaca treat today, sigh. It seemed like they had so much fun.. while I was stuck studying at home. No pain no gain right? Hopefully I’ll get to enjoy the fruits of my labour. 

Back to the books now, before bedtime in a while. :) 

Milestone

Before I dive into the books again, just wanted to say that for the first time since December, I’m actually glad at how things worked out. :’) Looking at things in retrospect isn’t that bad after all, once you get the clearer picture. I deserve so much more and I should never ever settle for anything less. For the first time I actually profoundly feel that I might be over T and I just feel like singing out loud hahahah. Prayers are so so so important, I’ve come to realize. And things will always work out for the good of those who love Him. 

No time to elaborate much but thank God for today! Had a really heartwarming and tummy filling dinner with Mom, Dad, my 2 aunts and my cousin. Everyone’s so happy that Mama’s back!! And I got my appetite back, fatss here I come~ Service today was good too, hopefully I get to serve in the worship team someday :) Happy Easter to all my loved ones, God loves all of you <3 

Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see

I usually write when I’m sad, so let today be an exception. 

Was sitting at the bus stop waiting for my bus home from Weilin’s house when I felt this wave of calmness and serenity rush over me. Might be exaggerating just a little, but it was something worth rejoicing over, especially after days of feeling so jaded and weary since I fell ill from god knows what I’m still unsure. And following which came emotional insecurity and whatnot, thinking too much about the past and feeling too much as usual. But the point is, sitting there looking forward to my dinner and grandma fighting hard at home, I felt like God was giving me a big hug. 

This year is probably one of the toughest years I had to face emotionally, and I know its purpose – to strengthen me. As the youngest child of the family my feelings were always protected. I was allowed to escape, allowed to ignore problems till they went away because what is family without forgiveness? No matter how bad I had it outside, there was always family to come home to, and that still is the case now. My friends since my Dunman days were constantly supportive, even with my short temper and occasional walking away which usually leave people speechless and worried. But with the new year came a whole host of other issues I had to deal with. In a sense I was very much forced to grow up. The person I turned into my most important pillar of support suddenly disappeared from my life, and I had to go through a whole semester without waking up to his texts, without looking forward to weekend meet-ups and without turning to him whenever I left lost or afraid. But somehow without realizing, I made it 4 months without crying or breaking down too much hahaha. This whole episode made me open up so much more to people as well, to let words of healing enter my life, to allow myself to be vulnerable in front of others. (Cried countless of times in front of my neighbours haha) I tried to make sure I went through the healthiest healing process, and my friends & family made sure of that too. 

I am so lucky – to be able to be surrounded by so much love everyday. My family (even my brother who is happily traveling the world, currently in Africa) who had my back from the very start and I know will continue to do that till the end, the bridesmaids whom I grew up with and I know will stick around till the end, my wonderful wonderful neighbors who have been the biggest blessing to me since university started, and Daddy God who has a perfect plan for me in sight. :)

My grandma was finally discharged from the hospital yesterday and her condition is getting so much better since coming home :) Am so thankful for her and inspired at how she’s such a strong fighter despite her being so small (like me!!) Nothing’s gonna get her down, and nothing’s going to get me down either. 

Also, attempting a healthy lifestyle of sleeping at 1030-11 everyday and waking up at 630-7. Worked for the first day and we’ll see how it goes hehe. Easter Sunday tomorrow and am heading back to church with momsie. Looking forward to coming home to the house of God. 

Today I realized that 

I am clinging on to the memories of us for my dear life. What for? Made a trip to downtown east for a friend to return me my textbook that I lent him. That was where we had our first real date – where you told me that you used to bring her to Changi Beach, the first time I got mad at you, the first time you laughed and said don’t be. It all seems so long ago, in a time unreachable and far too unattainable. All the details of it just came rushing back and I tried so hard to control the rush of feelings that threatened to overwhelm me. You are still in my life – and I believe that you will still be an important friend to be in the days to come, no matter who we fall in love with in the future or no matter how our paths may split. But the fact that our paths were once intertwined in that manner – can never be erased from my memory. 

I used to revisit places we would go and think: this is what you need to do. Feel the memory and the feelings that came with it, and let it go. This is how you get closure – not by escaping and pretending it didn’t happen – but to face every bit of it with courage and to let go of it bit by bit. 

After all, I am still glad that you still care about our friendship – by a simple gesture like preparing a birthday present for me even when we weren’t talking, or by initiating a meet up with the rest. If only I could tell you: I’m so glad you’re back. I really thought I lost you for the past few months we weren’t talking but, I guess I should’ve had more faith in our friendship. What’s happened is all in the past now, and what matters is that we’re here to witness the big and small moments in each other’s lives, and honestly that’s all that really matters to me. 

Now, I have to solve my own issue of being independent and capable. It was a flaw in me all along, and I only realized it now because I had people covering up for me all this while. Life has been pretty smooth-sailing for me, I must say. But God never promised an easy path, he only promised to give me feet strong enough to weather the tumultuous tracks up the mountain. Time to struggle, but to struggle powerfully. 

The Day I Stopped Asking God For Clarity

 on MARCH 14, 2014 • 94 )

Beautiful woman watching sunsetI held my tongue as I listened. It seemed like ages that I waited and then…. nothing came. I stared longer over the cliff, and down at the ocean waves, across the deep, dark, ever-stretching expanse of water. An expanse that has always intrigued me since the first day I dipped my toes into it….Since the first time I walked beside it under the moonlight listening to the waves and thinking about the God who made them.

But here I am 10 years later sitting above the same expanse wondering why the God who made it in all of its enormity couldn’t give me, His beloved daughter, the direction and answers that I feel like I need in one of the most pivotal seasons of my life. If He cares why doesn’t He give me clear direction and certainty? I continued to pray and alternate my words with silence, listening to the waves and praying for a “sign”. Preferably in the form of big flashing lights telling me exactly the direction I need to take. None came. And eventually after all of my talking I began to assume I was speaking to silence and nothing more. Why pray if He isn’t going to answer? I’ve heard people say my whole life, “just ask God for clarity”. As if the “just” belongs in that sentence and it is all “just” that easy. As if I can ask Him and then in a split second He whispers in my ear the exact steps to take.

As my prayers turned to doubt I finally felt like I heard Him whisper something to me. “Trust me.” That’s it. “Trust”?… What does that even mean?

…After a few moments sitting and pondering that word I remembered a story I had read years before in the book Ruthless Trust by Brennan Manning that challenged my perspective of God immensely. Instead of attempting to paraphrase, here is the exact excerpt that I was reminded of in that moment.

“When the brilliant ethicist John Kavanaugh went to work for three months at “the house of the dying” in Calcutta, he was seeking a clear answer as to how best to spend the rest of his life.  

On the first morning there he met Mother Teresa.  She asked, “And what can I do for you?” Kavanaugh asked her to pray for him.“What do you want me to pray for?” she asked.  He voiced the request that he had borne thousands of miles from the United States: “Pray that I have clarity.” She said firmly, “No, I will not do that.”    When he asked her why, she said, “Clarity is the last thing you are clinging to and must let go of.”  

When Kavanaugh commented that she always seemed to have the clarity he longed for, she laughed and said, “I have never had clarity; what I have always had is trust.  So I will pray that you trust God.”

TRUST. That is God’s answer. And in that moment I realized just how beautiful and perfect that answer is. I realized exactly why He hadn’t given me the clarity I had so desired. Because of His enormous love for me and because it is the last thing I actually needed in that moment. Every deep, intimate relationship is rooted in Trust. Of course Love is at the core of the relationship but without trust you can’t have love. I realized God is about relationship. He is about love ultimately. He wants to go on the journey WITH me. 

In that moment a weight lifted. And I felt so much freedom because I didn’t feel the weight of having to “make the right decision” anymore. It made me realize God is all about the process exactly because that is the part that draws me closer to Him. And for the first time I was able to exhale and learn to simply enjoy the process and the experience of real life giving trust. I realized that clarity will come eventually but not without first walking the path of trust. Furthermore I realized that God doesn’t require that I always have perfect trust or perfect faith. All He asks is that I simply be faithful. And it is in that revelation that I have gained freedom. Freedom to love and live fully. Freedom in making trust the aim and enjoying the beautiful and sometimes even painful process it takes to get there. 

 

Read the letter I wrote 4 months ago & totally cringed hahahahaha. It’s weird how time really makes things in the past less significant.

Think it was all the germs at the hospital/ my poor immune system because now I’m sick :'( not at the most crucial period of the sem.. Need more fuel to trudge on.

So many things happening which makes me only want to be alone more..