April hold up all you have and let me down

There is no logic in love. You can’t win a fight in love. When the words ‘I don’t love you anymore’ come out it’s like nothing prior to that is valid anymore. Because really, what is left to be said? Words become frail, futile, pointless. Finding it hard to trust anything anybody says and finding it harder to let anyone in that way because of the inevitable. 

Side note: Feeling a lot better about some things, and yet worse about other things today. 

“Of course, you never really forget anyone, but you certainly release them. You stop allowing their history to have any meaning for you today. You let them change their haircut, let them move, let them fall in love again. And when you see this person you have let go, you realize that there is no reason to be sad. The person you knew exists somewhere, but you are separated by too much time to reach them again.”

What’s in the past is in the past, a hard truth I’ll take all my life to learn.

Was just reflecting a little in the car on my way to hall and realized how much happened this year.. parents fell off a bike and got injured, got bitten by a dog, struggled so much with the breakup, aunt having a tumor that could’ve been cancerous, dad losing his wallet in Taiwan and finding it back, me losing my wallet and also finding it back, Mama having a stroke. And mind you, we’re only 3 months into the year. And yet, God has been by my side the whole time. Letting me know that I’m not alone in anything I do, healing my heart a breakdown at a time. Just wanted to take some time to thank God for His presence in my life and to put Him first in the decisions I make. 

 

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Nothing is as it has been

I guess I just have to accept the fact that one day you woke up and decided that you didn’t feel the same way about me anymore. When people ask me why we broke up, all the things you said would run through in my mind again and I would try to pick out things that made sense to me, like how you were scared of hurting me. When the real truth is that you just didn’t love me and decided not to keep me in your life anymore. It’s a simple thing really, yet so painful to say. And it’s also the reality.

Maybe I’m so miserable because I always harbored some sort of lingering hope, that you would realize that what you did was wrong and eventually try to find a way to make it up. That you would keep to your word about maintaining the friendship we had and not letting me go.

But literally everything is changing around me and maybe I just can’t wait for you to ease your guilt or to decide that you still want me in your life anymore. Time doesn’t stop for anybody & there’s only so much I can give.

“Perhaps when we find ourselves wanting everything, it is because we are dangerously close to wanting nothing.”

Have a happy life.

You were all I knew/ In an ocean of a crowd you’d shine bright blue

“So I’ll watch your life in pictures like I used to watch you sleep
And I’ll feel you forget me like I used to feel you breathe
And I’ll keep up with our old friends just to ask them how you are
Hope it’s nice where you are

And I hope the sun shines, it’s a beautiful day
Something reminds you, you wished you had stayed
You can plan for a change in a weather and time
But I never planned on you changing your mind

All that I know is I don’t know how to be something you miss”

Guide to moving on successfully: Feel the sadness in its full intensity as it comes, and accept the reality as it is now. As much as I understand now how it’s not worth it to linger in the past and all the memories that come with it, the memories come back to me in waves when I least expect it. 

It’s only been 3 months but it honestly feels like a year and I miss you so much it aches. 

 

Foresight

You always did have more foresight than me. 

I was always the more emotional one. Leaping before looking, led by the heart. 

So God, I pray with all my heart right now that you grant me with the foresight that I need to have. To look beyond my circumstances, to look beyond the present and to accept and understand what is in store for me. 

 

Things you said/ Things I Never Said

‘I love you, but I’m not in love with you.’ 

‘I do love you, but not in the way you do for me’ 

‘We can’t. I just don’t feel the same way anymore.’

‘I don’t want to try.’ 

//

‘I love you. I realized that I did the moment I saw what you wrote on your wordpress when I first found out about it and cried. All the pain in your heart – I wanted it to go away. I didn’t know what the feeling I felt was, all I knew I wanted to do was to be there for you when you needed me.

Now, two years on, I don’t care what kind of love I have for you, I just want to be by your side and let you lean on me if you need a shoulder to cry on, when you feel like your world is too heavy a burden to carry on your own. To do what I can while you figure yourself out, help you get to where you want to be. Whatever I wanted was for you to be happy, and it was only when I started thinking about myself that I decided to tell you how I felt. There was a tiny bit of me that wanted the love to be reciprocated. And you did. It was all kinds of wonderful because you made me feel like your world, for a period of time longer than I deserved. I was so happy, but my focus came to be less on making you feel free and happy, and more on making myself feel loved. But you weren’t sure, and you became harder and harder to read. I was never that expressive with my emotions; pride prevented me from telling you exactly how I felt – after every date we had and you didn’t hold my hand. I wanted to do it myself but I just never got the courage to do so. I never told you, but I was always a little too concerned that you would mind when people see us together. I didn’t want you to be uncomfortable, I didn’t want the relationship to make you more unhappy than happy. The first embrace we shared – you asked me why I let go so soon. I never came clean with you that I backed away for fear that you would let go first. I didn’t know what to do, I just knew I trusted you with how fast or slow we were going. If I had known that you would let go of us eventually, I would have held on tighter that day. 

Of all the times that I looked back on our time together, I couldn’t find an exact moment where you drifted from me. I convinced myself time and time again that you needed the time to yourself for the A Levels, so I dismissed all negative feelings I had about the distance that was growing between us. We met up less and less, I grew busy with my commitments in hall and in my studies. I need so many answers from you, even though I know that every answer you give would probably be another stab in my heart. When did you decide that you would do this to me? Was it when I told you ‘I love you so much it’s terrifying’, or when I told you that I was scared because I could really get hurt in the relationship? You told me not to depend on you, but did you ever want to try? When did you feel like you didn’t feel the same way anymore? Did it feel like just an obligation to meet me or reply me every time I initiated something? Did you intend on ignoring our problems forever? If I didn’t tell you how I felt, would we have continued all the way till maybe one day you feel the same way as you first did again? 

I don’t want to go back to where we started, I want to move forward with you. I am painfully aware that things are not going to be the same anymore, but isn’t there a way it could all be different, in a good way? Isn’t there a way your mind could be changed, that you would want to try again someday? 

I know that my words will probably never change you, but hopefully it will change me someday.’

 

If

If I ever start writing about you again, I don’t think I will ever stop crying.

But as usual, life goes on, with or without you.