‘I love you, but I’m not in love with you.’
‘I do love you, but not in the way you do for me’
‘We can’t. I just don’t feel the same way anymore.’
‘I don’t want to try.’
‘I love you. I realized that I did the moment I saw what you wrote on your wordpress when I first found out about it and cried. All the pain in your heart – I wanted it to go away. I didn’t know what the feeling I felt was, all I knew I wanted to do was to be there for you when you needed me.
Now, two years on, I don’t care what kind of love I have for you, I just want to be by your side and let you lean on me if you need a shoulder to cry on, when you feel like your world is too heavy a burden to carry on your own. To do what I can while you figure yourself out, help you get to where you want to be. Whatever I wanted was for you to be happy, and it was only when I started thinking about myself that I decided to tell you how I felt. There was a tiny bit of me that wanted the love to be reciprocated. And you did. It was all kinds of wonderful because you made me feel like your world, for a period of time longer than I deserved. I was so happy, but my focus came to be less on making you feel free and happy, and more on making myself feel loved. But you weren’t sure, and you became harder and harder to read. I was never that expressive with my emotions; pride prevented me from telling you exactly how I felt – after every date we had and you didn’t hold my hand. I wanted to do it myself but I just never got the courage to do so. I never told you, but I was always a little too concerned that you would mind when people see us together. I didn’t want you to be uncomfortable, I didn’t want the relationship to make you more unhappy than happy. The first embrace we shared – you asked me why I let go so soon. I never came clean with you that I backed away for fear that you would let go first. I didn’t know what to do, I just knew I trusted you with how fast or slow we were going. If I had known that you would let go of us eventually, I would have held on tighter that day.
Of all the times that I looked back on our time together, I couldn’t find an exact moment where you drifted from me. I convinced myself time and time again that you needed the time to yourself for the A Levels, so I dismissed all negative feelings I had about the distance that was growing between us. We met up less and less, I grew busy with my commitments in hall and in my studies. I need so many answers from you, even though I know that every answer you give would probably be another stab in my heart. When did you decide that you would do this to me? Was it when I told you ‘I love you so much it’s terrifying’, or when I told you that I was scared because I could really get hurt in the relationship? You told me not to depend on you, but did you ever want to try? When did you feel like you didn’t feel the same way anymore? Did it feel like just an obligation to meet me or reply me every time I initiated something? Did you intend on ignoring our problems forever? If I didn’t tell you how I felt, would we have continued all the way till maybe one day you feel the same way as you first did again?
I don’t want to go back to where we started, I want to move forward with you. I am painfully aware that things are not going to be the same anymore, but isn’t there a way it could all be different, in a good way? Isn’t there a way your mind could be changed, that you would want to try again someday?
I know that my words will probably never change you, but hopefully it will change me someday.’