1st January 2014

I promised myself to write every single day of 2013, and I’m thinking writing may prevent me from doing it everyday so here I am typing instead. Thought I would do it here instead, since no one is reading because I made this blog private. Of course, when I feel like writing in a journal, I will and probably post some excerpts here.

Guess it sounds about right to post about my 2013 on the first day of 2014? If I were to sum up my year in a sentence.. I just can’t because too many things happened. But I have to say, this has been the best year of my life yet. I feel like I was flung into the unknown and by God’s grace, I managed to swim my way back to shore, after some occasional floating and trying to find myself. Shall stop speaking metaphorically and get into what I actually have to say.

I don’t remember much of January, apart from the fact that I worked at Suanthai for a while and managed to get an insight into how my dad feels at work everyday. It drained me, frankly, working everyday and serving customers everyday but I saw how my dad didn’t feel tired at all. I remember asking him ‘Do you really enjoy what you’re doing now – this F&B business? Don’t you ever get tired of it?’ And he replied with something about working hard for the family and it just becomes a job after a while. Then and there, I felt like I should never allow myself to settle for a job just because I have to work to earn money for daily expenses, but I know I will have to, someday. Ideals aren’t always realized. I think January was also the month where I angered my dad when I didn’t show interest in helping him for the restaurant when he had a lack of staff. I really wasn’t a fan of working there, and I have to admit, I was a bad daughter for showing that to him. January was also a month that I caught up more often with the 2G people!! :) Woon Ping texted me a lot during this period too, and I, still unsure of my feelings towards Terence and him, kind of led him on I think. Was it on purpose because I liked the feeling of being chased? I don’t know. Terence, Cheryl, Isabel, Roy and Yukun celebrated my birthday at Teo Heng. I recall this memory in particular detail because I was upset about being confused about my feelings for Terence, and he sensed it, and texted me afterwards. I was really touched and moved by that gesture, but didn’t tell him how I felt. Family dinner at Angus that night, and went to the restaurant to celebrate with Ruo and Ger who were working that night, because of my selfishness (didn’t want to work on my birthday) Oh yes I almost forgot, the bridesmaids surprised me at the restaurant!! While I was working, and we had dessert after work haha. Am really blessed, aren’t I? :) Had my last sojourn in January too, refer to the post that I did in January instead hehe.

Started work in Rodyk in February. I rmb celebrating Terence’s birthday with Isabel and tricking him into thinking that it was just the both of us. Hahaha. The work at Rodyk taught me that so many mothers work in the office just for their children. Even if they feel jaded, they carry on. It taught me that real estate law is definitely noooot my thing, and that I was there just for the money hahaha. Glad that Isabel was there to work with me, and later Isabel joined! Made new friends I thought I wouldn’t be comfortable with, but Alicia and Deline were so hilarious I rmb having many funny lunches with them. Weilin joined later and work wasn’t so boring after all. I rmb having a CNY lunch on my first day there hahaha really a lot of good food there. Earned my first real pay! And treated my family to a meal hahah felt really good somehow. Though the work there managed to bore me and wore me down pretty quickly, since it was something I totally didn’t enjoy at all.

The next milestone in my 2013 was receiving my A Level results. Oh how I dreaded it. Rmb going for a swim with Weilin and Vivienne at Viv’s condo to calm our nerves because we were so terrified of our results. When it finally came, I was all kinds of shocked, disappointed, hateful (at myself) and it really seemed like I lost all hope. I rmb breaking down and crying in the restaurant and I don’t think I cried that hard and that long, even when I broke up with Terence. I just sat there and sobbed till I felt better. Had dinner with Kor and Mom, and as usual they were ever so supportive, telling me that my grades weren’t that bad. On that day I also received an email from Nottingham telling me that I was accepted into their school. I didn’t know what or how to feel honestly, but it was a beam of hope I swore I couldn’t lose sight of, and so I began applying for scholarships. Should’ve known better anyway, tried my luck but didn’t get any because of my grades, probably. Mama got hospitalized because of her stroke around this period as well. I rmb San Ku Ma offering to pay for my school fees for Nottingham, if I would take the offer I wouldn’t need to pay her interest. But I declined, because I thought it’d be way too expensive and I’d be doing my Master’s overseas anyway. I wasn’t ready for an overseas education, as much as I wanted one. I wasn’t ready to leave everything behind too. The people especially. I couldn’t even take care of myself, lol.

Tried to keep fit by going to the gym often too. Signed up for a groupon deal with Isabel and turned out going so often but I really had fun trying new things like yoga and zumba hahaha. After a while Terence decided to join us at the gym, claimed that he wanted to train for NAPFA but he stopped going after we stopped. Had fun looking at him do all the funny stuff and doing yoga with him though, HAHAHA. Kind of miss that. After a while, I stopped too because the voucher was only valid for a month.

Next big thing that happened to me in 2013 was my trip to Europe!! :) It really was a dream come true for me, and I was so excited!!! Went with the best people too – my lovely family. The sights and sounds of everything just made me want to travel forever, and made me realize how truly lucky I was, to have so many opportunities to see the world. Met the cutest boy Issac in our tour group too, which made me miss childhood and its innocence. Our tour leader Ken was one of a kind as well, he was funny and approachable and made the whole tour really fun. Felt that the trip was a tad too short though, wanted to keep traveling. My fav country was Switzerland which was pretty surprising since I heard nothing much about it and wasn’t expecting to love it so much. But there’s just something about that place that draws you to it. The food, the scenery, the environment.

Another God-sent opportunity that I had in 2013 was that I got to intern with a psychologist. Although I sincerely think I might have ruined my chances by showing too little enthusiasm because I was a little lost in life at that point of time, just wanting to enjoy the rest of my days before uni started. I regret it a little, not asking more questions when we met the clients. But I did learn a lot from Dr Donald Yeo. He helped me immensely and I have a lot to thank him for. More importantly, I had to thank my mom who tried to get him so many times before I could have the opportunity to even step into his clinic/ office. The first few clients were dementia patients, and I kind of related them to Mama and her behavior. I found out that I really liked the human element of this job, and decided that I couldn’t do without it in my future job. Learnt that many times, psychology is about prescribing and suggesting, but many things are still variables. Still, they do what they can to best help their clients. Found out that they also cost SO MUCH to help people, and reevaluated my choices – if I want to help people, why should I be charging so much for my services? Asked Dr Yeo about it and he said that the price indicates quality of service, and no psychologist would want people to assume that their services are of lower quality compared to the rest. If only the rich can afford psychologists then, what about the rest of the people who are out of reach to these services? Hmm. A lot of the clients there were old and I really kind of sympathized with them.. one day everyone would become like that right? Loss of memory, unreasonable suspicion of everyone (like their maids), etc. It’s scary to feel helpless. Hm at least their children care enough to bring them to the psychologist though. What about those people who are suffering and their children just ignore them? Hmm. One other interesting patient I encountered was one who suffered from epilepsy, a condition where they have fits and this client would have fits 2-3 times a month, affecting her work and life. So she was about to undergo surgery but the psychologist had to assess if she was mentally ready. She was really brave, I could tell. And her husband was so supportive of it, how she would have to struggle to possibly learn how to speak again after the surgery, along with many other possible disabilities. I wonder if she did go for it and how she is recovering now, hm. Didn’t continue for long after that because all the camps started, and I told him I couldn’t commit once school had started. Hope I can get another chance to intern again and hopefully, be more of help in the future. Thank You God.

The next thing that happened was probably the camps, and well, the start of my first relationship. Told Terence that I felt something for him on the 8th of July, before Union Camp started. It was all like a dream really, having someone you’ve felt like you were in love with tell you that they love you back? That feeling is just intoxicating really. Throughout the camp we would text, mushy things too. People I met at Union Camp were all pretty open and stuff. And I regret not opening up more to them because I probably felt like I didn’t need to. Come to think of it, I think I opened up less because I was thinking about Terence too much. My mind would just drift away to him halfway throughout the games. Bad decision. I could have made stronger friendships throughout the camp I guess. Oh well. It was still a good experience and I was thrown into an environment where I knew no one and had to make friends for the first time in a long while, since I was in Dunman High for six years. Was probably really socially awkward but oh well, I got by hahaha.

Went out for the first time after we told each other with Terence. And I guess I’m not ready to recap this part yet so -skip- hahahaha. Wasn’t anything much actually..

Next camp! CSC camp where I felt I could click better with the people there. Plus, geraldine was there too so I felt more at ease. Though the camp was pretty short, I really enjoyed myself especially at cluedo! Was fun guessing everything. Once again, I think I was texting Terence too much, lol.. Regret regret regret. Went back for homecoming and caught up with the band people that night. Was unusually high and I swore I screamed a bit too loudly that day. Oh and Nic Fan told XX I was pretty or something haha, was pretty flattered. Went for supper for a while with 2G at swee choon I think! Then went home to crash hahahaha.

Last camp and also the best camp ever was SWOC!! Honestly, Sheares Hall was such a pleasant surprise to me. SWOC was such a distant memory because I was so afraid of integrating into uni life and leaving Terence behind, leaving my old life behind. Lots of people thought I was a ‘phantom’ because well, I didn’t like too much interaction. But thank GOD, thank heavens, thank you jesus that I found a soulmate in Amanda. I remember that she was the first real Block B person I connected with, since I didn’t go for SHY or pre-SWOC BBQ. No one had really seen me before because I didn’t want to go to all these events, I wanted to spend more time with Terence. And look where that got me lol. Anyway, enough with the bitterness HAHA. Amanda opened up to me so quickly, and soon I followed as well. I rmb her telling me about her moving to Ireland to study, when we weren’t even close yet. As I talked to her more, I found out so many things about her that I share a commonality with, and to this day I am still thankful that God sent an angel like her into my life.

Tried so many new things in hall as well. Cheer (LOL terrified of heights wts) Floorball (scored a goal in IBG omg it was lucky but still it felt good to be recognized) SHaca and Chorale were probably the biggest surprises yet. Had always loved singing but this was a little out of my comfort zone, singing in front of a bunch of people idk and wanting/ pretending to be good?! Wow. Thank God that they believed in me though, really made me feel special especially when a lot of people didn’t get into SHaca. What made me so special? I’m just an average singer really. Found out that I almost got into band too but um, srsly no because I can’t imagine myself doing all that stuff on stage trying to hype the crowd up, hahahahaha.

GLC was my first concert and it was really WOW what an experience because I even had to act on stage LOL WTS. ME. ACTING. Faints. But I did it. With the help of Joseph of course, another angel in my life srsly. Came up at 4am to encourage me with God’s word. Like omg, how did I get so blessed God? All glory to You.

Passed my driving in 2013 as well, probably one of the best things that happened this year because I was fussing over it for so long!! Now to practice my driving and also to await my license to get mailed to me (it’s taking forever btw??)

Attained my beginner’s certificate in sign language as well, hope to continue next year and hopefully volunteer with the association!

Carolled for the first time with SHaca and Chorale as well, what an experience really :’) Elaborate more later.

Experienced my first breakup  as well. Heartwrenching to say the least, but now I see it so clearly. How he was never ready for anything like this, how he was still so broken from the past relationship simply because he never ever opened his wounds long enough to clean them. He’s still scarred from the hurt he caused the previous time, how could I fail to notice that? He’s still just a kid. AND myself. I was never ready for a relationship. Well I was all ready to dive and delve right into one and just give my all to this one guy, but I lost the chance to develop myself fully in university. Well the chance technically isn’t lost yet, I need to learn how to find myself through all life has given me, all God has given me. Most importantly I need to learn to open my heart to God again. Perfect love is always found through God, I see it now. And now, I will still love, from a distance, from afar. I won’t invest too much of myself because ‘guard your heart it is the wellspring of life’. It has only been three days but I’m proud to say I’m recovering well. Thanks to my family, weilin, vivienne, geraldine. They’ve provided words of wisdom into my life to make me reevaluate the whole situation, and most importantly, I know that God loves me so much to show me that life is simply not about relationships. All the signs in the past few days. Though I cried my hardest, felt the sharpest pain in my chest, it is for the better, ultimately. And I’m glad and I’m also moving on.

Goodbye 2013.

Had a fresh and clean start today (well not really actually, woke up crying a bit) but after watching Friends, headed out to get my new hair done (I has curls now) and got my new specs!! Pretty much look different now. Like some korean girl but oh well, embracing change :) Amazing what a haircut can do to you, really. and of course, amazing what love can do to you. No I am not talking about romantic love destroying hearts, but God’s love penetrating through every crack in our lives, shining the light on us that we always needed.

And tomorrow, I won’t wake up crying anymore because this is it. The new year is here :)

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