Swallow the words that I was meant to say

(The Cab – Vegas Skies)

“The most important things are the hardest to say. They are the things you get ashamed of, because words diminish them – words shrink things that seemed limitless when they were in your head to no more than living size when they’re brought out. But it’s more than that isn’t it? The most important things lie too close to wherever your secret heart is buried, like landmarks to a treasure your enemies would love to steal away. And you may make revelations that cost you dearly only to have people look at you in a funny way, or not understanding what you’ve said at all, or why you thought it was so important that you almost cried while you were saying it. That’s the worst, I think. When the secret stays locked within not for want of a teller but want of an understanding ear.” – Stephen King

Have you ever felt like that? Having so much to say to someone but uttering absolute rubbish when you actually begin to speak. When words don’t convey a thought, but diminish it. Eloquence is not something that comes to me effortlessly. At times I can rattle on and on about something that I really feel a lot for, but other times I’m unable to form even a complete sentence that is grammatically correct. Sometimes I wish I was one of those people who could just come up with random conversation topics and not feel awkward or out of place – not the quiet and boring girl but the interesting and enthusiastic one.  I hold back instead of reaching out, I build walls instead of building bridges, for fear of disappointment. Whenever someone asks me ‘What’s wrong?’ or ‘Are you okay?’ I am so tempted to tell them every single thing that bothers me but the inadequacy of my words prevents me from doing so. Instead I keep my silence & I hate it. My closer friends learn to understand my silence, but I really shouldn’t take that for granted. Well aware that all this needs to change but what am I doing about it? Grow up natalie.

Also, I truly believe that words can tear a person down or build them up. Of course, it’s the interpretation of these words and the reading between the lines that haunts our minds most of the time, but if we’d just take the extra care to phrase our words kindly, and to make another person’s day, you’re already making the world a better place. I know it sounds idealistic and even foolish to say so, but speaking from experience, people really can brighten up my day with their words. Remember reading this verse from the Bible and relating to it so much.

“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” – Ephesians 4:29

I used to scream hurtful words I didn’t mean at my family whenever I quarrelled with them and looking back wow I was really such a brat. Pride was obviously my top priority back then, I didn’t want to lose an argument and I just completely ignored the feelings of my closest ones. I’m really glad that the wounds have healed and thank God for forgiveness and grace. Going to challenge myself and to say more uplifting and encouraging words to the people around me!!

This week has not been a good one, but I have to pick myself up & put the pieces together as usual. What else can I do? No one can fix someone else – you have to do it yourself. Was just thinking – would you save someone who is broken or would you accept the imperfect shattered pieces? In a sense, everyone is broken in their own way. So why would you try to fix someone if you’re supposed to love them just the way they are?

Needed to write something personal after hours of typing GP and Lit stuff. I will never stop writing until the day I die, and I hope everyone who’s reading this right now will never stop writing too :)

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