Call it anything but love

Yay –
Got into OCIP Cambodia!! First meeting this week, can’t wait to see what we can do hehe
Blessed with encouraging teachers that really make my day and render help in whatever way they can :’) esp Ms Fang!
Seeing improvement in some subjects, albeit verrry sloooow improvements
Self-proclaimed break just for today (before I go all hardcore again tmr………)
Goal for the month of August about no cabbing has been extremely successful
Taylor fund just keeps increasing everyday!!!

Nay –
Lit is impossible. Quite demoralised after the paper today
Missing Christmas for the first time this year
Undisciplined mind that tends to stray off elsewhere whenever it is needed to be present
Eyebags are now my permament sixth facial feature.

Hahaha lists are a lazy person’s best friend

P.S. It’s nice when someone remembers something about you that even you forgot about :)

About today: 1)…

About today:
1) Realised that it’s the last week of lessons but was rather nonchalant about it. Will I miss school? Was pretty certain that I wouldn’t when I thought about it today, but who knows what I’ll think in the future
2) Missed being with the squad
3) Looking forward to Friday a little more than usual this week.

Can’t help but daydream in class about life after As, gotta start jotting down the little ideas that pop up in my head now and then and actually turn them into reality. :)

For the weeks ahead – nothing to fear but my fear itself.

Swallow the words that I was meant to say

(The Cab – Vegas Skies)

“The most important things are the hardest to say. They are the things you get ashamed of, because words diminish them – words shrink things that seemed limitless when they were in your head to no more than living size when they’re brought out. But it’s more than that isn’t it? The most important things lie too close to wherever your secret heart is buried, like landmarks to a treasure your enemies would love to steal away. And you may make revelations that cost you dearly only to have people look at you in a funny way, or not understanding what you’ve said at all, or why you thought it was so important that you almost cried while you were saying it. That’s the worst, I think. When the secret stays locked within not for want of a teller but want of an understanding ear.” – Stephen King

Have you ever felt like that? Having so much to say to someone but uttering absolute rubbish when you actually begin to speak. When words don’t convey a thought, but diminish it. Eloquence is not something that comes to me effortlessly. At times I can rattle on and on about something that I really feel a lot for, but other times I’m unable to form even a complete sentence that is grammatically correct. Sometimes I wish I was one of those people who could just come up with random conversation topics and not feel awkward or out of place – not the quiet and boring girl but the interesting and enthusiastic one.  I hold back instead of reaching out, I build walls instead of building bridges, for fear of disappointment. Whenever someone asks me ‘What’s wrong?’ or ‘Are you okay?’ I am so tempted to tell them every single thing that bothers me but the inadequacy of my words prevents me from doing so. Instead I keep my silence & I hate it. My closer friends learn to understand my silence, but I really shouldn’t take that for granted. Well aware that all this needs to change but what am I doing about it? Grow up natalie.

Also, I truly believe that words can tear a person down or build them up. Of course, it’s the interpretation of these words and the reading between the lines that haunts our minds most of the time, but if we’d just take the extra care to phrase our words kindly, and to make another person’s day, you’re already making the world a better place. I know it sounds idealistic and even foolish to say so, but speaking from experience, people really can brighten up my day with their words. Remember reading this verse from the Bible and relating to it so much.

“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” – Ephesians 4:29

I used to scream hurtful words I didn’t mean at my family whenever I quarrelled with them and looking back wow I was really such a brat. Pride was obviously my top priority back then, I didn’t want to lose an argument and I just completely ignored the feelings of my closest ones. I’m really glad that the wounds have healed and thank God for forgiveness and grace. Going to challenge myself and to say more uplifting and encouraging words to the people around me!!

This week has not been a good one, but I have to pick myself up & put the pieces together as usual. What else can I do? No one can fix someone else – you have to do it yourself. Was just thinking – would you save someone who is broken or would you accept the imperfect shattered pieces? In a sense, everyone is broken in their own way. So why would you try to fix someone if you’re supposed to love them just the way they are?

Needed to write something personal after hours of typing GP and Lit stuff. I will never stop writing until the day I die, and I hope everyone who’s reading this right now will never stop writing too :)

Locked myself in my room without my bb, guitar & iPod and I was ridiculously productive hahaha one of the rare times my self-discipline puts itself to good use. Half an hour break time now before I get back to more History!!

Sigh. This frustration stems not from my unwillingness to verbalize my thoughts, but the inability to find the appropriate words to do so. It really does appear that trying to make someone understand something from my point of view is becoming increasingly difficult, and I’m starting to think that I shouldn’t keep trying. I guess my expectations were a tad too high, huh. Or are you just not listening to me? Lol you know what, I give up, I’m really at my wits’ end. I can’t fight this anymore & I’m tired from all this. If you’re feeling disappointed, remember that you disappoint too.

Funny how everyone in class wrote on the card that I’m bubbly and cheerful, and how I don’t see myself that way at all….. I honestly think that I’m rather unfriendly and cold to people I’m not that close to but apparently I don’t seem that way lol is that a good thing or a bad thing?

Getting used to the fatigue & the workload, but the thought of it being over in 2 months spurs me on. Ok break’s over :'( hope all my lovely friends find something to be thankful about today.

Falling asleep to the sounds of The Perishers :)

Things are getting better.

Tell you I set you apart

I am so thankful for some people in my life & it’s times like this when I really realise how blessed I really am. Have the best best friend ever whom I just spent the day with & for that alone I’m just so thankful. (Hi racklass if you’re reading this HAHAHAHA) Read her letter today and I almost teared while smiling like an idiot hahaha this girl is just too sweet.

So grateful to the people who are willing to love me despite my imperfections & insecurities, people who are willing to be there for me when I fall. I’m just so sorry that I looked past all that while drowning in my own selfish misery. And I kinda realised.. I didn’t have to do what I did. I should really just learn to draw the boundaries. But I guess I really needed this time away to clear my head anyway. Another thing that I learnt is that you can absolutely never be content if you only care about yourself and your needs. Time to experience the joy of giving!!

Gosh my mum is telling me to watch You’re Beautiful with her when my prelims are in two weeks. LOL srsly. + My nephew just called he got into SOTA hehe his dream school I’m so happy for him :-)

My thoughts are so disconnected haha okay time to DITSS my Lit texts

We won’t say our goodbyes you know it’s better that way/
We won’t break we won’t die it’s just a moment of change

I am pathetic & no one will truly understand. Who’d be willing to listen?

“For a moment there, I saw an ounce of promise in you. But you weren’t strong enough to follow up on that. I just hope, for your sake that you one day find it again, that you manage to brush away the rubble in your head and find a way to love, and be loved. It’s something you’ve been without for far too long.”

I want to befriend a writer who can fill up the spaces between my words, to fill up the spaces in my head and my heart. (Wanted to say marry but hahahaha no)

In other newsss. Attempted to complete my ‘project’ and failed miserably ended up throwing the whole piece of paper away, guess I have to start from scratch again. Was getting way too distracted anyway. I need to lock my guitar up in a deep dark corner, just like how I need to lock this feeling up until my head can be clear. So what if I know? Would that change anything? Because I kinda like how things are right now. So it’s pretty much pointless to find out right? ‘Don’t ask questions you don’t want to know the answer to.’ Guess that’s that then.

Happy Birthday Singapore!! Don’t really count myself as a patriotic person but Singapore is lovable in its own way. After all this place has given me so much to love and cherish, and has kept me and my loved ones safe thus far. So, thank you Singapore! For the much appreciated holiday as well because we all need a break once in a while. Managed to do some math & lit today, feeling quite accomplished hehe. Now, time to leave the house for some family time, fondue & fireworks. Can hardly wait : )

Right from the heart

“But when I say I’m here for you, I mean it. I mean it differently. Genuinely. Let me explain.

There’s a part of friendship that’s more than camaraderie and good feelings, more than having someone to hang out with all the time and bullshit with on lazy Saturday mornings. There’s a part of friendship — real friendship — that’s fierce love. The part marked by understanding, protection, sacrifice. The strong part. The selfless, human part. The part that would move your body in front of theirs to take a bullet without a blink or second thought.

And that’s why I want to tell you I’m here for you — because I am. Not in the therapist sense, not in the let’s-talk-about-our-crap-boyfriends-over-martinis sense, but the real sense: I love you enough to make room for your pain in my heart and handle it like my own. Or better than my own, because my own usually ends up stuffed into a back corner of my brain and left there to ferment into a viscous, sour liquor.

I’m here for you honestly, sometimes painfully so. I may not have firsthand experience with the exact thing you’re going through, but I know what it means to hurt. Hurt translates pretty well. I know what it’s like to feel silenced, shut down, wounded. To feel like there’s no one who really understands, or cares, or will even make the genuine effort; to feel like even talking about it is nothing but a pointless stirring of air. I care about you too much to make you feel that way alone.

I may not give the best advice, or even moderately good advice, but I’m here for you. I may not give you any advice at all — sometimes there just isn’t any, just try what sucks the least and hope for the best — but I’m listening. You can talk to me about anything you want; your fears and apprehensions, the things you’re afraid to acknowledge let alone say out loud. They probably won’t go away but maybe they’ll get smaller and a little easier to deal with, and that’s still something.

I’m here for you when you’re giving up, when you’re exhausted. I’m here for you when you’ve got no more left. When you’re overwhelmed by the bleak truth and vast helplessness of it all, the ache, the emptiness; I’ll hold your hair back when your sadness makes you sick, hold your chattering bones when you sob in my arms like a hysterical child. I’ll listen to your words or your silence, whichever you give me. I’m here for you when there’s nothing left to say.

I’m here for you, put it on my shoulders. I’m here for you when your heart is squeezed dry, dehydrated and dark like shriveled weeds. When you open your mouth to speak and no sound comes out because language can’t articulate the white noise in your head, can’t wrap descriptors around its frequency, I hear you. Pour your tears into me, wet my shirt sleeves and dry your eyes with my hair.

Genuine friendship is a rare thing and that’s why I want to tell you I’m here for you. And when I say I’m here for you, it’s because I need you too — your existence makes me lighter; your presence helps tease out the mess of the world. Is that weird? Are people allowed to feel that way about other people anymore? There are people all over the place, we’re always stuck in this incredible anthill, but when we find the one person we can actually trust and let our guard down with we cleave to them like dust to sweat. And we’re not trained to feel this way. We’re supposed to be so evolved, so independent and self-serving, that sometimes we forget what it’s like — and that it’s okay — to need someone to love us, take care of us, take on our emotional weight.

I’m here for you because I am that person, and because you are that person for me.”

x

You by the light is the greatest find

IN A WORLD FULL OF WRONG YOU’RE THE THING THAT’S RIGHT~~~~~~~~ Could finally sing without coughing today, what liberation!!

My mood has been fluctuating quite a lot recently, it can go from ‘omg why am I here want to sleep schl sucks life is cruel’ to outbursts of random laughter to just being at peace to being weird around friends to being annoyed at everything to being grateful for the teachers and their dedication to utter nonchalance. But as you all might already know I’m not one to display feelings that outwardly so at least I still have it under control. Term 3 has been a heck of a term so far, and we’re only halfway into it. So much more to endure but I know I’m not alone,  it really does get very trying but we just have to suck it up and face reality. I’m actually quite immune to encouragement nowadays (not saying it’s a bad thing, pls encourage me lololol #shameless) but I’d rather have people being harsh on me and telling me that there’s no more time to waste anymore. I cut myself too much slack sometimes, huge lack of discipline on my part as always.

Had a very good talk with Weilin before GP tuition on Monday, sometimes I really don’t know what I’d do without her :’) Wish more people would see her for the kind and sweet girl that she really is, instead of just seeing her for her quiet appearance. Talked to Sherly on the phone till 3am on Saturday night & I’m just so grateful for her, always so genuine in helping others, always bringing a new perspective to my life. Wish my friends could see how beautiful they really are <3

Went back for band today to visit my juniors and to play with the Senior High Band for a bit, not sure why but I was strangely overjoyed HAHA. I missed the joy of just playing with the band actually, minus everything else I had to worry about in the past. Missed how I’d always look forward to band practices in Sec 1 and 2, and being so happily exhausted at the end of band camps. Something about the band room makes me feel so at home and at peace, and I like seeing the familiar faces of the year 5s ^^

Sidenote: I wanna go to a wedding so badly hahaha can’t wait for Ms Fang’s at the end of the year!! Maybe I really should become a wedding planner after all. I have the perfect wedding song for all my future clients already man, woohoo no it is not the song below

This has been all I’ve been playing on the guitar lately. Too in love with this pair

+ More things to be said, more to be typed and plenty of thoughts to be sorted out but my ASEAN SBS awaits. Wishing everyone well