Why this frightened part of me that’s fated to pretend

(Blue Spotted Tail – Fleet Foxes)

Sometimes, when I do think about it, it really intrigues me how no two people are ever the same. Even twins are different. God is just so amazing. I remember a quote I came across 2 years back:

“I am only one, but still I am one. I cannot do everything, but still I can do something; and because I cannot do everything, I will not refuse to do something that I can do.” – Hellen Keller

It really struck me. We’re all different for a reason, or at least that’s what I choose to believe. So many spend their lives searching for that reason, and in that, they try to find people similar to them. To feel less alone. I just don’t feel like it’s supposed to be this way. If we are different, there must be some way we can contribute to the world, or to the people around us. That’s why I respect people who embrace their differences. Not those who stand out on purpose to get attention, but those who feel comfortable on their own, who feel proud that they are exactly who they are, and that there is no one else like them. Then they can really inspire change in the world. And I want to be just like that one day. I spend way too much time envying the lives of others I’ve gotta admit, and I do it so subconsciously sometimes. Of course, there is the occasional realisation that we are so unbelievably blessed, and that there are the less fortunate to help. Yes, I do want to help them, but what’s the best way that I can? I need to figure that out first – while there is still some sort of a spark in me. Need to do myself a huge favour and try not to fall into the daily routines and misery of the A Levels. Well the main goal of this term is of course to get my terrible grades up I guess? Have to look past that eventually because t just scares me to death when I think about settling for something I never wanted, even if I get good grades in the end. Fear should not, and will not stop me. It won’t, unless I let it. Now to figure out what I can actually do haha untalented@inadequate.com

It takes extra effort for me to feel as light and happy as I did during the post CTs period now that school has started, but I am going to try. Nothing lasts forever and if happiness does not last, pain will not either. Big thanks to everyone who was part of my post CTs week, really enjoyed it and I appreciate you guys a lot you know who you are <3 Oh right, and results are coming back this week so, it’s gonna be a pretty rough week. Got back my History paper today actually, and though the results might be unsatisfactory for high-achievers, I am proud to say that I improved by 2 grades from my March CTs! All glory to God, because the cramps were so bad I seriously thought I couldn’t make it through and I wanted to give up so badly. God didn’t give up on me :’)

Also, my writing is getting from bad to worse oh god……….. but if I just stop writing altogether I think it will not be salvageable so I should just keep going on. Writing in my journal is getting kinda tedious because it’s so slow and my handwriting has become atrocious. Yucks @ my limited vocabulary!!!!!! Time to catch up on unread books

P.S. I think I’m the happiest at home when I get to sing and play my guitar when no one can hear me.

+ Reading that.. I felt it – the ache. I had no idea why it hurt so much, but it did. Someone whose words just pierce through you like a dagger – like they’ve known you forever. So much strength in weakness.

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