Fear

So my mum was telling me about my cousin who is terrified of the dark and how she used to make me watch horror movies. She said that she was trying to make me a brave girl. LOL sorry mum it didn’t work. Then I started to wonder – is fear really innate? Were we born to fear the unknown or were we simply taught to? Why are some people even homophobic? Why do people crave the thrill of rollercoaster while others would rather die than to get on the ride? Why am I so terrified of lizards when I used to cut off their tails O_O Omg don’t judge. Is fear God-given, so that we would know what we can’t control and that everything is in His hands? Is it a protective instinct that is inborn? To fear anything – do we have to actually experience the pain of it? Guess not. Fear is a manifestation of our imagination, and through learning about the experiences of others, and then multiplying and magnifying the consequences in our head. I remember when I was still a toddler, my dad would lift me up high in the air and pretend to drop me haha I was genuinely scared. Though I did kind of like the thrill. I used to laugh all the time when he did that, even though I’d be terrified at the same time. Maybe because I know he’d always catch me – but still, the fear was there. Why? How? Someone answer my questions!! Haha okay this is why I want to study psych actually. I have so much more to find out about myself, the human condition, and everything else! So excited to find out more :D

Found a quote online which is pretty interesting though – “Love is what we are born with. Fear is what we learn. The spiritual journey is the unlearning of fear and prejudices and the acceptance of love back in our hearts. Love is the essential reality and our purpose on earth. To be consciously aware of it, to experience love in ourselves and others, is the meaning of life. Meaning does not lie in things. Meaning lies in us.” – Marianne Williamson

Oh well I’ll find time to read up more next week.

Moving on.

I want to see Ingrid Michaelson live in Singapore so badly…… But 1) She’s coming on the 10th of September, which falls on the first day of prelims. As much as I didn’t regret going to see Kina Grannis the day before History and Math exams earlier this March, I am not prepared to risk my prelim grades, which might possibly be more important than the actual A-levels in terms of overseas applications. And 2) I don’t think I know anyone who likes her like I do!! Haha she’s so underrated. 2’s not a problem since I’m not even going lol -_- Watching her live performances on youtube while studying for lit to comfort myself. Her voice just makes me wanna cuddle up in my blanket with the air-con on and just read a book or think about life hahaha

She’s so cuuuuute

: ( Hope she comes next year

Things to look forward to:

1) Carnivore on Friday! WOOOSH FINALLY+ Prometheus maybe?
2) The Amazing Spider-Man with 4L babes
3) Vienna with bridesmaids!!! (+ cycling? hahaha)
4) Shopping wahahaah GSS here I come
5) Wanna find a day to just read at Starbucks, sippin my tea and all

Psh look at me, acting as though As are already over. Well the end of a month of studying does call for a celebration, no? Okay I’m left with about 7 more essays to write over the next 2 days, I’m actually used to it, and fine with writing essays! Just as long as I have content to write, of which I am sorely lacking…..

Speaking of which have to familiarise myself with the lit texts now, buhbyeeeeee

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Ready to suffer and ready to hope

And every day, the world will drag you by the hand, yelling “This is important! And this is important! And this is important! You need to worry about this! And this! And this!”

And each day, it’s up to you, to yank your hand back, put it on your heart and say “No. This is what’s important.”

– I Wrote This For You

Fresh perspective today, after reading some stuff, talking to friends and mulling over it. Thankful, yet perturbed. I need to expose myself to more mature minds, realised that my thinking of late has been so narrow-minded and superficial. No, this cannot go on.

“I am done with my graceless heart/ So tonight I’m gonna cut it out and then restart/ Cos I like to keep my issues drawn/ It’s always darkest before the dawn” – Shake It Out, Florence and the Machine

What I learnt from last night: Every time you feel like falling, fall hard, cry hard and most importantly, don’t run away from your thoughts, no matter how they torment you. The only way you ever get redemption is to be honest with yourself. Open your heart and have the courage to begin again. Today is a better day and I’m glad.

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Omg gross can’t believe how whiny I’ve become. Cannot even stand myself nowadays so cranky and moody and ill-disciplined and all things bad. Parents are leaving town for a while, while I’m stuck here. Brother is only coming back at the end of the week. Why does June feel like such a bleak month sigh. The worst thing that could ever happen is probably me failing everything even after studying. I think I’m at like the lowest point of my life or something this is really terrible I’m so irritable and nothing is going right and I think I’ve become slightly anti-social lately looooool I actually quite enjoyed studying for promos last year but now.. PLEASE. Never. So sick of studying I’ve been studying almost every day of the June holidays I DON’T WANT I WANT TO CYCLE I WANT TO GO TO THE BEACH I WANT TO SHOP I WANT TO – oh look I’m being whiny again how do I even have friends.

Tomorrow will be kinder. No day will be as kind as the 22nd of November – the day of my liberation. 158 days to go, we’re almost there! Not.

Sunkissed skin and handle bars

1. What’s best for the situation is almost never how I want things to go. I’ll have to let go eventually, and I will not be selfish. I can’t be. It just hurts when I think about it sometimes, and I just feel so controlled and trapped by my own emotions. When was the last time I felt free anyway?

2. Just wanted to say that the more I study the more distant I feel from some people. Grades aren’t everything, but we are being taught to believe so. I hate it, I truly do.

Want to tell you to stop drowning yourself in material wants and take care of yourself spiritually.
Want to tell you to stop isolating yourself and then blaming yourself for everything.
Want to tell you that I’m beginning to trust you.

But how?

3. Read a few wordpress blogs and I am drawn to people who write without the fear of being judged. It doesn’t have to be perfectly grammatically correct. It just has to come straight from the heart. Just honest and true writing. Maybe it’s just the pretenses and walls that everyone puts up in this day and age that make me all the more attracted to people who are open about their feelings. Maybe that’s why I want a pen pal. Someone to share everything with. Someone who’s not a part of my life, but knows every part of my life.

4. I need the beach. I need the water I need to swim I need

5. Falling in love with Sara Bareilles and I absolutely adore her voice please watch thissssss & listen to her whole album. You won’t regret it.

So hauntingly beautiful. My new lullaby :)

6. God’s greatest gifts to mankind – the ability to love, to write, and to make music. I want to find a musical soulmate like how Carissa Rae has Michael Alvarado and how Joy Williams has John Paul White. Too bad I can’t sing. Hahahaha