Conversations

The best conversations will not only allow you to know more about the other party, but also allow you to find out more about yourself. Being the introvert that I am I love having 1-on-1 conversations with my friends. (Of course a closer one if not… awks) There comes a time when you get so sick of the superficial conversations, and you decide to just not talk because you simply have nothing more to contribute or when you just want to switch off from the meaningless talk. I think everyone yearns for deep and intellectual conversations that challenge us and make us think. It’s human nature isn’t it? Anyway I’m so thankful that I can be completely honest with some people and they wouldn’t mind at all, it gives me a sense of relief somehow. Why is it that such conversations are so rare right now? So thankful for the talk today, I need to learn to let my defences down and to stop building walls and just.. trust more I guess. I have issues.

Some stuff happened today which made me completely disgusted and put off. Never judge people by their appearances. It’s scary but I guess that’s life for you. We wouldn’t be able to appreciate kindness without cruelty, genuine friends without fake acquaintances, health without sickness, and the list goes on and on. I’m actually coming to terms with the fact that there are some people that I just cannot understand, try as I may. Still going to try if they mean something to me though, because I know they’ll be worth it. Oh yes and Sherlyn was telling us about her bucket list today & I need to make one asap! Might even buy a special notebook for that hehe so I can journal my experiences down as well. Excited :B

Random thought in the shower: This time last year – I was enjoying myself eating and shopping in Hong Kong. Miss that place terribly btw. This time next year – my life would be totally different, preferably in a good way of course. Can’t wait to see what’s in store! For now, don’t despair and keep pressing on! #notetoself #andanyoneouthere

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Gather your strength and rise up

(Bluebird – Sara Bareilles)

It is upsetting to know that my whole band journey will be reduced to a piece of paper that shows all my ‘achievements’ in band. It says nothing – nothing at all about what we’ve gone through together as a squad and as a band. It saddens me when I see that our whole journey in SYF with the seniors would be reduced to ‘obtained a bronze award’. It’s all so superficial I cannot even. The whole sheet of paper really reflects so little on our growth as an individual and how much this CCA has really impacted my life. And it sucks when I have to write my job scope as a chairperson when I know I could’ve done so much more for the band. It’s like the more I force myself to say good things about myself, the lousier I feel. It’s not supposed to be like that, right? Oh wellll

“It was me, my thinking, the cancer of never letting go, is ignorance bliss, I don’t know, but it’s so painful to think, and tell me, what did thinking ever do for me, to what great place did thinking ever bring me? I think and think and think, I’ve thought myself out of happiness one million times, but never once into it.”

(Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close – Jonathan Safran Foer)

After doing so much thinking, I realised how much of a prideful person I really am. I value pride more than human relationships sometimes, which would definitely break God’s heart :( Sigh why am I so flawed. Ok I shall stop before I say too much.

—–

On a much much happier note, I shall write about my weekend since I’m almost done with my SGC!

After GP & Lit CTs I had dinner with the 4L babes!! (Okay la plus one hunk HAHA yucksss just kidding Gerald) Ate at New York New York and took ages to decide on what to eat…… wasn’t satisfied with the small portion that I got for my dinner – the picture was so deceptive – but the company made it all better. I actually managed to fit into some Bob the Builder kiddy ride or something, and so did Gerald hahaha yup can’t believe I’m eighteen either. Got ourselves dessert at yoguru and went to our usual spot to talk and play human taboo. Jiamei is the best I love her man HAHAHA MICROSOFT WORD. Okay inside joke but it’s seriously damn funny all her actions are so epic. Laughed till I cried, these people really make my day <3

Finally went back to Touch Rugby trainings on Thursday! Decided to cut myself some slack and take a break from studying since I studied so much for GP and Lit. Had a great time sweating it out on the field (sounds gross I know sorry) & the muscle aches actually felt good because I didn’t exercise for so long. Though I’m far from losing any weight at all given how much I eat – but it was still awesome training with the girls again.

Made a spontaneous decision to head down to town with Amanda and Mish on Friday after school!! Ended up watching Men In Black 3 when we wanted to go bowling initially~ Was totally an impulsive and last-minute decision but no regrets because it wasn’t a bad movie at all! :) I actually really enjoyed it, sans the really gross alien parts ugh pukes. I even teared at one point in the movie lol…….. Shopped around and listened and shared funny stories with the both of them haha love their company :)

Shopped @ M&S with KH & G on Saturday, went grocery shopping with them and boy do they know about cooking. Was just tagging along like a kid with her parents HAHAHA while they discussed about the cooking utensils and whatnot. Really admire their knowledge man, am going to learn more after A Levels!!!!!! Got myself a black pepper chicken leg and everyone was amazed at how big the chicken was and how greedy I was lollll. Headed over to Tanah Merah to start cooking our Mac and Cheese and biscotti cookies. So many funny moments that I won’t bother describing because they are all ‘You had to be there’ moments. Watched Mr & Mrs Smith before heading down to the choir concert with KH and Roy! Gosh the choir was sooooo goood enjoyed the concert so much, especially the Wicked and Phantom performances!! Love the songs, my fav is For Good for Wicked definitely. I feel like stabbing myself for missing Wicked in Singapore. Omg what was I thinking really, that it’ll be here forever?!?!?! Sian who wants to go to Broadway with me to watch it. So proud of ruo her solo was rly good too!! Heehee

Sunday was the EDS concert!! Supposed to meet the gemma peeps at parkway at 11 but I ended up reaching at 12+ (yep what’s new) shopped for Sherly’s present and headed over to the concert!! I cried watching the Ice Cream Truck omgosh everyone was just so good. Really respect good actors it was the first time that I cried watching a production :’) Had dinner at Swensens after the concert! Time spent with them is always time well spent <3

Thank you for reading and taking an interest to my mundane life hahahaha might not be posting in a while though, you guys should see how packed my schedule is. Wonder why I even bothered writing all that (^) down, maybe it’s because it’s just about the only life I’d get for the whole of the holidays……………..

So sleepy okay going to bed now goodnight folks x

If you ever come back

Don’t mean to be morbid but it’s just something I needed to get off my chest. I get scared whenever I think that my grandma is going to be gone someday. I know it’s something I cannot prevent, but losing someone dear to you is so painful I can’t even begin to imagine the loss my heart is going to feel when that day comes. I wish I could be more fluent in dialect, so I could talk to her about my day, and share with her my problems, and ask her about her day as well. But my grasp of the Cantonese dialect does not extend beyond the simple phrases like ‘Have you eaten’ and ‘How are you’. That being said, seeing her smile everyday really brightens my day, and it’s something that I look forward to when I come home from school :) Age is definitely catching up to my grandma – she’s 88 now, and she’s still healthy but seemingly growing weaker and smaller.. I’m blessed enough to have only suffered one death in the family, but losing my grandma was the most painful things that I’d ever had to go through in my eighteen years in this world. And even though it’s part and parcel of life, it still scares me when I think about it. The way my parents cried – I’ve never seen my father break down like that – made me cry even harder. Must make it a point to talk to her more haha and hug her everyday too ^_^

On another note, something I learnt from Taming Of The Shrew – the role that we take on will not necessarily affect who we are. Is that really true though? Kate may have taken on the role of a submissive wife, but she still stayed true to who she was. But how can you really separate the two? Hmmm. This year is such a trying one, and it seems like our only role is to do well for the A Levels in order to get somewhere in life. But I don’t want it to affect who I am. I mean, I want to emerge stronger and wiser and all that, but I don’t want to lose faith in people or humanity. I realise how people are appearing more and more selfish because everyone is getting more and more individualistic. Hedonism, to just derive pleasure for oneself, as I’ve come to learn in GP. It’s scary when you see the people around you change themselves because of how they’re pressured to act. But it’s really their choice isn’t it? Sooner or later they’ll come to realise that living for yourself can and may be fulfilling, but it just isn’t enough. That’s not we’re made for, we were born to love others. Or maybe they’ll never realise it. After all, it takes a lifetime to learn how to live. (and love)

Anywayyyy, I dreamt that I was on a roadtrip during my nap just now!! Hahaha so exciting, I was driving and there was someone beside me, but I have no idea who….. Maybe my future spouse HAHA. It was a really really really long road and I was driving a convertible, and we were singing songs in the car though I can’t remember what. Omgosh if only that could really happen in the near future. A girl can dream. Can’t wait for the day where I travel the world with the person I love. Woke up feeling -___- as usual though, reality gave me a tight slap in the face ha. Anticipating the day my dream comes true hehehe this paragraph is so out of place.

I’ve been posting so much lately!! It’s a good thing because every now and then I’ll scroll through my older posts to see how I think/ write. Future me if you’re reading this.: you’d better be enjoying yourself right now – or doing something meaningful with your life. Lol I’m so weird. I’m sitting here with my GP notes in front of me like a fat blob of fats because I ate 2 dinners again. One after my nap and one with my mum. I’m beyond help. I just read through my whole post and I sound bipolar rofl. I shall.. SLEEP EARLY TONIGHT since I spent my whole afternoon doing GP. Take care of yourselves my friends, everyone seems to be falling sick.. Mum and Dad are both sick, and it’s one of the rare nights when they’re both in bed before me and my brother are. He just went jogging, and I’m a fat blob. The weather is making me moody and irritable. If it was the holidays I’d be at the beach and I wouldn’t complain. But nope, there’s school and CTs and all. Lol okay okay enough bye.

<3

I seriously need to marry either one of them. Why are they so perfect.

BACK TO TAMING OF THE SHREW. WOW HOW DO I SURVIVE 5 MORE MONTHS OF THIS. WHY AM I TYPING IN CAPS. What a boring weekend it has been, sigh. Apart from the farewell party yesterday haha thank God for that, or I’d be stuck at home for the entire weekend. Am also feeling as fat as ever, but instead of trying to lose weight, I’m trying to hide it HAHA self-denial much…….. Why is so hard to get myself to exercise??? I need a personal trainer.

Really looking forward to next weekend though! Choir concert with the band people, then EDS concert with the Gemma peeps!!! So I just need to survive this weekend. Go me :-)

To everyone and anyone who is feeling disheartened right now, esp those dear to me:
I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright no matter how gray the day may appear.
I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun even more.
I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive & everlasting.
I wish you enough pain so that even the smallest of joys in life may appear bigger.
I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.
I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.
I wish you enough hellos to get you through the final good-bye.

Reminds me of OBS 2 years ago :’)

(edit) Random thought: Vulnerable is beautiful, no matter how ugly it might make you feel. There’s just something that draws you in about someone who’s willing to open up to you – to share everything about their lives with you. Something that I’m not prepared to offer. I struggle, but then again, who doesn’t?

“Love people when they least deserve it, because that’s when they need it the most”

But there’s really nothing I can say to change anything. It kills me too, in case you haven’t noticed.

GP and Lit CTs coming up next Wednesday, and I must say Ireally enjoy studying for GP. It makes me feel small & realise how insignificant our problems actually are in this world. Just this once I would like to experience how it feels like to really try and work hard for something. No distractions, eye on the prize. Regardless of what the results may be, I just don’t want to feel regret anymore. It’s a horrible feeling, really.

Went to BCCSC with Melissa Matthew and Annabelle yesterday, kinda glad I decided to go because I learnt more on how to deal with kids haha & I don’t have to make another trip next week hoho. Can’t wait for the outing in June!!

Sigh.

Tough times don’t last, tough people do

1. Listening to Disney songs while doing my GP revision packages, because everyone needs a little Disney in their lives :) My favourite has got to be God Help The Outcasts… really love it.

2. Feeling blessed by the little things that my family does for me. Especially my mum. I need to learn to appreciate them more!!!

3. Thank You for putting hope in my heart, and to my dear friends who showed concern, I’m really fine now :’)

4. Regardless of how my week may turn out, I will still choose to face it bravely, because I’d be the dumbest person around if I can’t look beyond my obstacles. There is a greater life waiting for me out there.

Tell everybody I’m on my way
New friends and new places to see
With blue skies ahead, yes I’m on my way
And there’s no where else that I’d rather be

Tell everybody I’m on my way
And i’m loving every step I take
With the sun beating down, yes I’m on my way
And I can’t keep this smile off my face

Empty shell

I thought I’d be able to sleep it off but I was wrong. Thought I’d be able to brush it off and tell everyone I’d be fine, but I was wrong

Books & music are my only escape –

To where? Where can I go?

Any place is better, starting from zero got nothing to lose

Listening to Fast Car and wishing someone could just take me away to a faraway place. Anywhere but here. A one-way ticket to the next flight out of Singapore. Paris maybe, or Venice. It seems like the more I try to hold myself together, the more everything seems to fall apart. The more I want to and try to keep everything to myself, the more I just want to empty everything in my head to someone else. But words in the head are like voices underwater. When I try to verbalise my thoughts they almost never go quite the way I want it to. So it’s just better that I keep my thoughts to myself anyway. I know myself best. Don’t I?

I hate this feeling because I feel like a complete weakling. I can control it, sure, but it’s taking a toll on me. Maybe starting anew would be best. But I’m approaching the end, and you know what they say, it always hurts the most when you’re nearing the end.

Leave tonight or live and die this way

Your candle burned out long before your legend ever did

Every single time I feel demoralised about school work and the stress, I’d tell myself: 6 more months, Natalie, just six more months and you’ll be done with this for good. You’ll be able to do what you really enjoy, you’ll be free. But a thought just crossed my mind yesterday that it’s not going to be how I’ve been imagining it to be. Because that’s when I’ll really have to make the important life decisions – not just deciding what to have for lunch in the canteen, or whether I should prepare for this tutorial or to study for the test. It wouldn’t be as simple anymore. I guess I should really try to enjoy my time in school, because there are actually certain parts of school worth missing, as much as I complain about it now. Everyone paints this picture of a perfect life after we graduate from the hell that is JC, but as much as I can’t wait to start earning my own money, start helping people and to travel the world, a part of me is really terrified that I’ll start making the wrong decisions and regret it when I look back. I’ll never be free until I get rid of this mentality and I’m very aware of that. Hopefully someday I’ll embrace the feeling of vulnerability – but not now, probably not in the near future either. There you go, an insight into the world of insecurities that is my mind.

For now, I try to stay optimistic and thank God whenever I can – for the blessings from above, for my family and for my friends. No one really knows what the future holds, but I know who holds mine.

Doing my religion package while listening to oldies and missing my grandma terribly :'(

This was one of her faves, and definitely mine –

And it seems to me you lived your life
Like a candle in the wind
Never knowing who to cling to
When the rain set in

(Candle In The Wind by Elton John)

Okay time to suck it up and get back to work now. Back to school tomorrow! Going to donate blood this week and I’m actually pretty scared but I’ll be fine as long as I don’t look at the needle……… right? Fingers crossed. OH RIGHT I FORGOT TO MENTION. Caught The Avengers with momsy yesterday and it was so goooood especially Robert Downey Jr. Going to watch Iron Man when I have the time. (ha ha who am I kidding) But seriously though I loved him in the movie, sarcasm and all <3 Great action movie & go catch it if you haven’t!!

P.S. Just got off the phone with a friend and as weird as it may sound I actually kinda like phone calls. Miss the times when my primary school friends would phone me after school to check what homework there was & we would just talk about anything and everything hahaha good times :’)

P.P.S. So much unnecessary drama going on and I wish I could do something….. Helpless once again