“Practice is painful. It is human nature to shun pain. But if you think about the pain, you will lose the gain.”
From an amazing History teacher whom I really respect.
I realised how inspired and motivated I get when teachers talk to us like that, encouraging us to take control of our own lives, to be disciplined if we want to get our As. But I forget so easily. I wish I could put every single feeling I ever felt into individual capsules which would trigger my memory upon access, so that I would never forget the feeling of disappointment and the feeling of true contentment, and never take things for granted. Got back our PW results yesterday and I was so nervous that I actually felt nauseous and wanting to puke before Ms Fang announced the results hahaha. God has really blessed me with so much more than I deserve, and I don’t want to ever forget that feeling because come next year, I want to feel 10 times the satisfaction when I collect my results from Miss Fang. It seems pretty optimistic when I say that I’ve already secured 2 As, but for all I know those might be the only two I get, if I don’t start working my butt off now. I thought about it and realised why this is so important to me – to be able to say that I’ve done my best and to reap the full benefits of my efforts. It’s because I really haven’t tried my best in God knows how long, and even though they don’t say it, I know my parents are disappointed in me. I know that they were disappointed when I dropped to H1 Math, and still failed anyway. I know they try to be proud of me even though it’s probably the hardest thing they’ve had to do. And I really want to show them – and myself – that I can do it if I want to.
So anyway I decided to dig deep into what was bothering me lately and I came up with things to change about myself:
1) Start knowing the people around you on a deeper level :( I’d really like to believe that all the people in my life are there for a reason, and that they represent opportunities to learn something new, to gain a new perspective on life and to change something in me. But I’m finding it hard to even make time for old friends, much less make room in my heart for new friends. My life is like.. filled with hi-bye friends and acquaintances and sometimes it’s really hard to get past the superficial level of conversation. I am actually terrified of rejection because of some stuff that happened, and I keep telling myself that if people want me in their life they would make an effort to keep me there. I know that’s really selfish of me, but if I do see that you want to be in my life and vice versa I will really stop at nothing to keep you in my heart for as long as I can :) I guess that’s how I let people drift away from me, when they stop trying I do too.. Ok Natalie pls change yourself for the better!
2) Question more, accept less
Okay it’s not that I don’t question anything now, but before I let anything stupid come out of my mouth I try to reason with myself in my head, and sometimes force myself to accept whatever has been given. BAD BAD BAD. I have to lose my fear of being wrong.
3) Empathy. I think I let SH life change me. I became more selfish in some ways, because ultimately this journey is one you have to make alone. No one can help you with your grades, no one can help you grow emotionally stronger – you have to do it all alone. Sure, your family and friends can be by your own side offering words of encouragement and support, but they are not you, and if you don’t even understand yourself how would you expect others to? Sigh but I’ve been feeling distant from many people I care about, and I’m not making an effort to change anything even though I really hate it.
4) I hate that this is happening, but recently I’ve been feeling the need to prove myself more than ever before. I don’t like myself very much right now :(
Okay I have to admit that reading The Bell Jar was making me kinda depressed, I had to switch to The Vow for a bit. Okay I really don’t want to sound superficial or anything but it kind of makes me wonder how I’ll fall in love in the future hahahaha. Cmon I can feel all of you judging me already. It’s really amazing reading how people fall in love like everything falls exactly into place. It’s all a part of God’s plan anyway, so it’s probably perfect :) OH WELL no time to think about that now. Ooh and Mr Kengs. (LOLOL) lent me Mockingjay so I can finally complete it! Yayayayayay
Of course there are also things that I am thankful for, and believe it or not I thank God for them before I go to bed on most days (I’m not gonna lie and say every day because sometimes I just fall asleep the moment my head touches the pillow) Hmm but they have to do with people and I very shy so shall not post it here. You guys probably know who you are anyway. Hahaha okay on to History Position Paper! :)