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1. Everything is gradual. Little by little, you allow yourself to fall a bit more, a bit deeper, and then someday you realise that all you’ve ever done is to dig a huge hole for yourself that you can never get out of. So I told myself to never let myself fall again, not to cut myself any slack, because there’s simply no room for that any more. At least not now.

2. Went through my old messages & I know I shouldn’t think about the past, but why is it that I always seem happier in retrospect? They say the past is always romanticised, and we only remember the pleasant memories. But what if growing up just means that we get more jaded as the days pass? When people change, they don’t ever do so suddenly. It’s the little things that make up the eventual outcome, and we don’t ever realise it until we look back at it closely. But if we would only allow ourselves to dig deeper – then nostalgia probably wouldn’t be as sweet.

3. “You say that you love rain, but you open your umbrella when it rains. You say that you love the sun, but you find a shadow spot when the sun shines. You say that you love the wind, but you close your windows when wind blows. This is why I am afraid, you say that you love me too.” Humans are fickle-minded creatures, and we almost never mean what we say. Even if we did mean it at that point of time, who’s to say that we would mean it forever? Forever is a long time to make a promise.

4. Went for Danzage with Kayls and Jiaying yesterday & omg it was so good :-) So proud of the 13 dancers, can’t imagine the amount of effort they put in to put up such a brilliant concert. It kind of made me think about how I would feel during my last Sojourn, my last performance on stage with the band. Then I dismissed those thoughts because that’s all the way in December and I have so much to worry right now. Honestly speaking, I don’t really know how I’d feel but I really hope I don’t cry. Had supper with the 13 peeps after Danzage! Though it was a bit ~_~ at first cos we were just stoning HAHA but think I’m beginning to get more comfortable around these hilarious people. Dad picked me up & I headed over to Joey’s for her birthday celebration! They updated the karaoke system and we had a whale of a time singing all the songs. WHO RUN THE WORLD? GIRLS. HAHAHA & we sang price tag like 10 times.

5. Dreamt of lizards and rats appearing in my house yesterday omg what a horrifying dream :( I googled it and apparently it means bad things are gonna happen in my life, so that’s really nice to know yep thanks google. Hahaha of course I don’t believe in it entirely, I never gave much thought to my dreams, considering that I rarely even remember them.

6. Goal for the week: Take the initiative to catch up on your friends’ lives.

Could have slept at 10 but I didn’t. I’m feeling frustrated for absolutely no reason right now so I shall go to sleep. Bye

P.S. Loving the new layout

Trust

I am rather quiet around a group of people I do not trust. Instead I observe. I react according to how you act. I don’t trust you enough to share myself with you, or that I’m too afraid of being judged. Some people talk like they have to prove something to the people around them. To show that they have an opinion. I don’t need that, I just need people I can trust. Then I realised that I didn’t trust you as much as I had liked to.

Staying away from twitter + tumblr + youtube for a while – starting tomorrow actually.
Will turn to God, human interaction, books, writing, drawing & my iTunes library for this tough period of time.
Need to know what’s good for me.

“I think the idea is that every person has to live for his or her own life and then make the choice to share it with other people. You can’t just sit there. and put everybody’s lives ahead of yours and think that counts as love. You just can’t. You have to do things. I’m going to do what I want to do. I’m going to be who I really am. And I’m going to figure out what that is. And we could sit around and wonder and feel bad about each other and blame a lot of people for what they did or didn’t do or what they didn’t know. I don’t know. I guess there could always be someone to blame. It’s just different. Maybe it’s good to put things in perspective, but sometimes, I think that the only perspective is to really be there. Because it’s okay to feel things. I was really there. And that was enough to make me feel infinite. I feel infinite.”

— Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower

Am posting more on wordpress because I don’t really feel comfortable posting my thoughts on twitter anymore. Maybe just superficial stuff~ Haha speaking of which, my complexion is bordering on atrocious. Bleh. Oh and I finally remembered how to disable the post to twitter function on wp. Lol sometimes the things I do are so dumb that I wonder how my friends, family and God accept me. HAHA.

Enjoy your Sunday while it lasts!

The kind of ache that can’t be satisfied

I need to get away, to get inspired, to see things from a different perspective. Because right now all I feel is trapped.

On a lighter note, I am hooked on this beautiful song:

I knew a man who was afraid to love
To lay his heart on the bathroom rug
He drank his coffee in the same old mug
And sat in silence till the world fell numb

Until the day when a girl came by
She had eyes like the rising tide
He felt a sharpness deep inside
The kind of ache that can’t be satisfied

We hate the rain when it fills up our shoes
But how we love when it washes our cars
We love to love when it fills up the room
But when it leaves oh we’re cursing the stars

So he turned to the radio
And he went to a picture show
Tried to find someone else who knows
All the hurt that a heart can hold

She smelled like cinnamon and winter clove
And sparked like firewood inside a stove
Wanted to ask her just to sit and stay
Instead he watched as she walked away

We hate the rain when it fills up our shoes
But how we love when it washes our cars
We love to love when it fills up the room
But when it leaves oh we’re cursing the stars

Ending this awkward post with a quote by one of my favourite authors:
“I can never read all the books I want; I can never be all the people I want and live all the lives I want. I can never train myself in all the skills I want. And why do I want? I want to live and feel all the shades, tones and variations of mental and physical experience possible in life. And I am horribly limited.”
― Sylvia Plath

Finished reading The Bell Jar yesterday, I couldn’t read too much at a time because it was honestly rather depressing. But her writing is so relatable and real that it just draws me in. Wanna read her journals soon! After I’m done with my gigantic pile of new books.

P.S. Cannot believe how arrogant you are

No pain, no gain

“Practice is painful. It is human nature to shun pain. But if you think about the pain, you will lose the gain.”
From an amazing History teacher whom I really respect.

I realised how inspired and motivated I get when teachers talk to us like that, encouraging us to take control of our own lives, to be disciplined if we want to get our As. But I forget so easily. I wish I could put every single feeling I ever felt into individual capsules which would trigger my memory upon access, so that I would never forget the feeling of disappointment and the feeling of true contentment, and never take things for granted. Got back our PW results yesterday and I was so nervous that I actually felt nauseous and wanting to puke before Ms Fang announced the results hahaha. God has really blessed me with so much more than I deserve, and I don’t want to ever forget that feeling because come next year, I want to feel 10 times the satisfaction when I collect my results from Miss Fang. It seems pretty optimistic when I say that I’ve already secured 2 As, but for all I know those might be the only two I get, if I don’t start working my butt off now. I thought about it and realised why this is so important to me – to be able to say that I’ve done my best and to reap the full benefits of my efforts. It’s because I really haven’t tried my best in God knows how long, and even though they don’t say it, I know my parents are disappointed in me. I know that they were disappointed when I dropped to H1 Math, and still failed anyway. I know they try to be proud of me even though it’s probably the hardest thing they’ve had to do. And I really want to show them – and myself – that I can do it if I want to.

So anyway I decided to dig deep into what was bothering me lately and I came up with things to change about myself:
1) Start knowing the people around you on a deeper level :( I’d really like to believe that all the people in my life are there for a reason, and that they represent opportunities to learn something new, to gain a new perspective on life and to change something in me. But I’m finding it hard to even make time for old friends, much less make room in my heart for new friends. My life is like.. filled with hi-bye friends and acquaintances and sometimes it’s really hard to get past the superficial level of conversation. I am actually terrified of rejection because of some stuff that happened, and I keep telling myself that if people want me in their life they would make an effort to keep me there. I know that’s really selfish of me, but if I do see that you want to be in my life and vice versa I will really stop at nothing to keep you in my heart for as long as I can :) I guess that’s how I let people drift away from me, when they stop trying I do too.. Ok Natalie pls change yourself for the better!

2) Question more, accept less
Okay it’s not that I don’t question anything now, but before I let anything stupid come out of my mouth I try to reason with myself in my head, and sometimes force myself to accept whatever has been given. BAD BAD BAD. I have to lose my fear of being wrong.

3) Empathy. I think I let SH life change me. I became more selfish in some ways, because ultimately this journey is one you have to make alone. No one can help you with your grades, no one can help you grow emotionally stronger – you have to do it all alone. Sure, your family and friends can be by your own side offering words of encouragement and support, but they are not you, and if you don’t even understand yourself how would you expect others to? Sigh but I’ve been feeling distant from many people I care about, and I’m not making an effort to change anything even though I really hate it.

4) I hate that this is happening, but recently I’ve been feeling the need to prove myself more than ever before. I don’t like myself very much right now :(

Okay I have to admit that reading The Bell Jar was making me kinda depressed, I had to switch to The Vow for a bit. Okay I really don’t want to sound superficial or anything but it kind of makes me wonder how I’ll fall in love in the future hahahaha. Cmon I can feel all of you judging me already. It’s really amazing reading how people fall in love like everything falls exactly into place. It’s all a part of God’s plan anyway, so it’s probably perfect :) OH WELL no time to think about that now. Ooh and Mr Kengs. (LOLOL) lent me Mockingjay so I can finally complete it! Yayayayayay

Of course there are also things that I am thankful for, and believe it or not I thank God for them before I go to bed on most days (I’m not gonna lie and say every day because sometimes I just fall asleep the moment my head touches the pillow) Hmm but they have to do with people and I very shy so shall not post it here. You guys probably know who you are anyway. Hahaha okay on to History Position Paper! :)

And all the roads we have to walk are winding

Just decided that there is nothing I want more in the world than to write well. If I ever had the chance to choose what I’m good at, it would definitely be writing. Writers have such a gift. People who write songs, people who write books, poems, anything at all. I’m glad I took literature :)

Eventually. Is this a hopeful word or a sad one? We will grow apart, eventually. I will reach that dream, eventually. How almost everything can be eventual.

My thoughts are so disjointed.

Of choices

“I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn’t make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet.”

(The Bell Jar – Sylvia Plath)

My sentiments exactly.

Rules – Jayme Dee

You say you know love, but you are just reflecting words you hear.

No iron in your veins to give you any sense of pain or fear.
It’s just another lie, it’s just another calculation,
And when the power’s out, we’re just another old sensation.

This blood keeps me alive, but what is it that runs through you?
Electricity and wires, dictating everything you do.
You tell me that you hear me and all your memories are real,
But how do I know you don’t just feel what you’ve been told to feel?

We run around the rules,
We run around the rules,
We run around the rules,
Round and round, two by two, we run around the rules.

There’s water in your eyes and I know i’m the reason that it’s there,
But still I don’t feel bad because I know it’s you are more a spare.
And just behind your eyes are switches that can turn back on,
To clear away today ’til all your memories are gone

We run around the rules,
We run around the rules,
We run around the rules,
Round and round, two by two, we run around the rules.